Paddy Power Bet Calculator: Your free online betting

Hey guys, I wrote a little starters guide about testing your betting system I thought may be helpful
I don't want to break any rules so, this is the post - https://valuebettingblog.com/testing-your-betting-system/ But I've pasted it all below so you don't have to leave reddit.
Hopefully its somewhat helpful!
If you don’t know how to test your betting system, you’re flying blind. I’ll breakdown why we test, the forms of testing and the methods you can use.
You could call every stage of betting a form of testing:
While you are gathering information to create the grounding of your system; you’re testing.
Once you have your method and are trialling and backtesting; you’re obviously testing.
Then, when you are using your system, successfully or unsuccessfully, you are also testing with every subsequent bet.
Knowing how to analyse your system is an absolute non-negotiable in creating and maintaining profitable betting systems.

Why We Test (Rigorously)

This seems kind of obvious. If you don’t test something, you don’t know if it works.
But, that is just the beginning. We test comprehensively so that we don’t confuse variance with value.
To best explain how variance can affect our perception, I did a simple calculation:
Bets: 100Odds: 2.00Stake: 1% (proportional staking)Yield: -4%
This system, that is clearly unprofitable long-term, will make a profit 30.82% of the time...
If you were in that 30.82% and you were happy with this measly 100 bet trial, you may as well have not tested at all.
You’d be flying straight into the arms of bankroll bankruptcy as that -4% yield chipped away at your betting account and sanity.
We must test and we must test properly.
Use this spreadsheet to run the same simulation with whatever numbers you want - Profit-Probability

Testing Methods

All three of the listed methods should be used in one way or another.
Notice the absence of popular methods: 'intuition' and 'gut feel'...

Real Test (With A Small Bankroll)

The most simple way to test - trialling your own system with a smaller bankroll. A real test.
I polled some long-term profitable sports bettors for a recent article. There were some surprising answers, but it was no surprise that many of them recommended trialling with a small bankroll before committing any significant money. Sometimes for years.
This doesn’t mean winning 15/20 of the intuitive head to head bets that you placed because you had a good feeling about them. This means using your well-defined system over a period of months, sometimes years, and diligently logging 1000+ bets to validate or invalidate your betting system.
This method is great, it’s simple, and it works. But, it takes a long time. Spending years only to find your system is unprofitable would be wholly demoralising.
Betting volume is key here, if you are able to find ten value bets a day that fit the criteria of your system, you can get valuable, consequential data of 1000 bets logged in just over three months. But if not, it can be a slog.
This is where the backtest method is valuable.

Backtest

Luckily, every sports result and thousands of in-depth stats are available for free to every single one of you. It’s a beautiful ever-updated resource called the Internet.
The secret to testing and improving a system is simply to spend time going through past results and trying to find trends in the statistics.
Here is an example (don't use it):
Start with something to test - Over the past 500 games, Team A wins what % of games when the weather is below 15 Celsius?
First, you'll log the last 500 relevant games, using fbref.com for Football, bbref.com for Basketball, or any other database of results. Then, put all the relevant weather conditions into the same spreadsheet, giving you a correlation; in this case, it'll be a %.
55% of the time Team A wins in sub-15-celsius conditions. They must just love that cold weather and have superior weatherproof gloves than the rest of the competition...
With a 55% probability of occurring all we need to breakeven is odds of $1.82. If we can find odds of $2.00 we have clearly found odds above the required.
There are plenty above 2.00? Cool, now we’re rich.
Let’s be clear, this is a terrible inconsequential metric to backtest - but, the theory is that simple.
Oftentimes you will need to be testing multiple metrics against each other for 1000+ bets and failing many times before you find a system that succeeds with enough bet volume to be worth your time.
The benefit of backtesting is that you can spend the time doing it, right now. If you are trialling a system in real-time, you are waiting to log results week by week and season by season. Backtesting allows you to commit and spend as much time as you can right now finding a successful system.

Closing Line Testing

Across the board, there is no one smarter than the market. No One. More specifically, the market when it closes.
Over the long-term, the closing line; the odds at which the market closes, is analogous to the true probability of an event (minus the bookmaker margin). This is called the CLV (Closing Line Value) and it gives us something to compare ourselves to.
This general accuracy of the closing line is a product of many things:
First, the bookmaker publishes odds which they believe to reflect the true probability of an event, using the huge amount of resources at their disposal.
Next, bettors from all over the world bet on those odds. Recreational punters and serious punters.
Recreational punters bet on either side of the event, usually without much method. This barely affects the odds unless the bookmaker has made an obvious error.
Then, we have serious bettors, using their own analysis to find fault and value in the bookmaker odds - bookmakers react to the incoming bets, using these actions of highly regarded profitable bettors to help adjust the odds to the mutually calculated 'true odds' of the event.
It is essentially a battle between bookmakers and serious bettors, fighting it out to work out what the true probability of an event is. With a sea of recreational punters inconsequentially dancing around them and throwing cash at the bookmaker. A dizzying image.
That range between where the odds began and where they closed is where the value is.
To be clear, it’s not impossible to win money purely betting the closing odds. But, it is extremely hard. You are not only contending with the bookmaker’s initial analysis, but you are also contending with other serious sports bettors, the added information gathered by the bookmaker since the first odds were published, and the bookmaker margin.
So, the key to measuring yourself and your ability against the closing line is simple:

Record the odds at which you placed the bet
Record the closing line odds
Calculate the bookmaker margin
Calculate your implied yield
Repeat 100’s of time...

For example, your system identified a market in which you believed the odds should have been 1.90-2.00, but you found odds of 2.05, a clear value bet based on your system.
The market then closed at 1.96, after removing the bookmaker margin of 2% the true implied odds would be 2.00.
Then to calculate the true yield you achieved, simply do: 2.05/2.00 = 2.5%
You have beaten the true closing line by 2.5%
Joseph Buchdahl wrote a great piece on Closing Line Value, showing the efficacy of testing against closing lines - Using the closing line to test your skill in betting.
Closing Line Value, as a theory, isn't bulletproof. But, it's strong and it may be the most reliable measure we have to test our systems.

Other Things To Test

Even a profitable system can be a failing system, let me explain how:

Time/Yield Ratio

Your time has a $ value. This is where the trialling method comes in.
If you spend two hours a day analysing markets and placing bets, and your average daily profit is $30, you are judging one hour of your time to be worth $15 - is that what your time is worth?
You have to know the cost in time and effort that is required by your betting system. Trial the system, see how long it takes you to place bets, compare odds, calculate stakes, and then evaluate the true cost of doing business.

Volume

So often neglected when people describe their betting systems. Volume > Yield.
Obviously, it's more nuanced than that. But, I'll take a system with a 2-3% yield with multiple bets per day over a system with a 10% yield but that only provides one bet per week. Every time.
The lower the volume, the longer it takes to test, and the longer it takes to compound your bankroll. If it's taking you three years to log 500 bets, your edge could be lost before you even get to profit from it.

Life/Bet Balance

You've backtested your system, it works, it's got the volume, the yield, and takes very little ongoing maintenance. You're all set, right?
Not quite. I bet on ITF tennis, many of those markets are released while late at night over here in Melbourne. Luckily, the odds often hold and I'm also a bit of a night owl. It's not a problem for me.
But, if you have to stay up to use your system, you have to evaluate whether it's worth it. If you work 9-5 and have to keep your phone ready during the day, that could threaten your job. You might not want to be checking your phone while spending time with your family in the afternoons. All things that need to be considered.
We are slaves to bookmakers and when they make odds available. Sometimes, your system just won't fit your life (so give it to me).

Bookmaker Availability

We all know this one, bookies don't like your winning system. They also have the power to cripple it.
Most bookmakers will limit or ban you for winning regularly and consistently in large volumes. Your backtests don't account for that, your small bankroll trials don't account for that.
First, assess how many bookmakers your system will work with. Then, open accounts with as many bookmakers as possible. The key to not being limited is spreading your bets across multiple bookies. Here is an article detailing some other ways to sidestep bookmaker limits.
Ask other bettors what their experiences are. You won't have to go far to find out that Pinnacle doesn't limit and Paddy Power does, quickly. Here is a list of some 'no limit bookmakers'.
Do your research, testing a system for a year and then being limited within a week would be extremely frustrating.

Conclusion

Are you convinced? Testing diligently is imperative to building a profitable method.
All a bit too much? There always is the option to outsource your betting analysis to a tipster or service. For that, I'll direct you to this article - Find The Best Tipsters (A Sceptics Guide)
A rigid plan and framework for building your betting system would be:

Backtest your initial hypothesis, over a month, year, and multi-year period. Analyse closing lines for the backtested data.
Trial your system with a small bankroll and reach 1000 bets. Analyse all bets against the closing line.
Compare your backtest with your trial. Did your backtest have any oversights?
Analyse the human aspects of your system. Were the bets too time-consuming to place? Did it cut into your family time?
Analyse the logistics. How available were bookmakers, have you been told they are quick to limit? Is there enough volume?
Decide if it's worth it.
~~Profit~~

Time-consuming? Yeah. Important? YES.
Good luck with your betting systems.
Coming Soon - 'Testing Your Betting System: Advanced Guide'. In this guide, we will delve into P-Value, Forward Testing, and Blind Testing. Subscribe to be notified.
Happy (Value) Betting

The Premier League is back this weekend, which means a resurgence in Match Betting. Here is my 3 Part Mega Guide to making £500 for several hours work, and then making £500- £1000 on a monthly basis.

So a lot of you will know that I regularly post guides and tips about match betting, However since the same questions always come up in the comments, I decided to make one big, very thorough Mega Guide in order to eliminate as many doubts as possible for you guys. Like I said before, This guide is a handy way to sort out a month's rent for 5 or 6 hours work, so I really hope it can be of use to someone. Anyway, Here it is:
PART 1: MATCH BETTING EXPLAINED; HOW TO MAKE £500 IN 5/6 HOURS
Having done my research and having been able to turn a really nice profit in such a short time, I wanted to make a short guide to eliminate people's doubts and simplify things a little. Since it really doesn't take a lot of time to hit that £500 profit mark, it's a shame not to try it out. Anyway, Here it goes:
I was sceptical as hell about Match betting because a friend showed me the Facebook groups and it just looked like a giant gambling pyramid scheme. It turns out there is a decent chunk of change to be made from it, you just need to follow the guides and never ever actually gamble with your money.
Never ever Gamble? Yes That's right, you are going to be using Gambling sites to complete the various offers, but the whole idea behind match betting is that every time you "make a bet", you match that same bet on the exchange. So for example, if I bet £10 for Real Madrid to Win on the Bookie Site at odds of 2.5, I then also make a Matched bet on the Exchange (This is a separate site such as Smarkets or Betfair) where I bet for Real Madrid not to win at odds of 2.5 (or as close as I can get to those odds). In this way I am covered in all outcomes, and it allows me to fulfill the requirements of the bookies offer (For example Bet £10 and get £30 in Free bets)
What's the difference between the Bookie Site and the Exchange? On the Exchange Site you are basically being the Bookie and just like a Bookie, you have liability. If I bet £10 and my bet wins at odds of 2.5 then I win £25, so the bookies liability for this bet is £15, the extra money that they would have to give me if I win. There are calculators on the Match betting sites which you can use to calculate what Liability you need to enter on the exchange each time you make your matched bet. There is also software to help you find what games have the closest odds on both the bookies and the exchange, which is very important.
What do I do when I get my free bets? It's the same process again, You find a game that has very close odds on both the bookies and the exchange ( You can do this by eye or by using odds matching software. A good site with this software is called OddsMonkey). Only this time when you use the calculator to work out your liability, you will set it to "Free bets SNR" so it knows you are not using real money. It will tell you how much Liability to use in the exchange and off you go.
How does this make me money? The fact that you have a free bet to use is what makes you money, For example a £30 free bet at odds of 5.5 in the bookies will win you £135 (30x 4.5, because the original free bet stake of £30 is not returned to you). Now let's say that the closest odds I can find in the Exchange for the same game are 6.0, I will need a liability of £112.50 to match my free bet in the bookies ( I use the calculator on oddsmonkey to work this out)
£135- 112.50 = £22.50 in Profit.
Alternatively if my bet on the exchange wins, I will lose the free bet of £30 (but it's not actually a loss to me because It's not real money) and I will win £22.50 on the exchange. Either way, I make a Profit of £22.50
What about providing card details? You can use a separate, virtual bank account for all your match betting, In this way your main banking information is not shared with any of the sites you sign up to. A good one to use is Monzo, the app is easy to use and it only takes 5 minutes to open an account. It's free to open an account and last I checked they actually have a referral scheme where you get £5 if you sign up through a referral link.
Non Referral here: https://monzo.com/
Where can I learn to do it? There are some sites that you have to pay a monthly subscription to but I found one called Team Profit that is free and has a full guide of all the different offers you can complete.
I worked my way down through the list of offers, nice and handy, and having completed 20 offers at 15 minutes per offer, I came out at £470 for 5 hours total of work.
If you are new to this site and are opening a free account I would really appreciate if you use my Referral (£10)
Here is the non referral link to the page with all the offers: https://www.teamprofit.com/welcome-offers-list
TLDR: You do not need to "gamble" to match bet, in fact by definition, the bet you make is "matched" on the exchange, so it is not a gamble in any sense.

PART 2: MAKING £500-£1000 EVERY MONTH.
You may sometimes see people commenting saying they have made a lot more money since finishing the welcome offers, £1000-£1500 a month and such, but never saying exactly how...
Personally I have made a lot more profit every month since I finished the welcome offers, Usually around the £1000 per month mark.
People say that Match betting drys up once you finish the welcome offers but this is simply not true, it's a matter of being more organised and checking your email for new offers, while also checking the Reload Offers section on Team Profit every morning (Takes literally 5 minutes)
Below is an Example from last month where I made £300 in one week. Bare in mind that the amount you make weekly will vary with the amount of sport that is on, but as long as there's sport, you will always be able to earn. This example is simply to show you the potential Match Betting has long after you've completed the Welcome offers:
Here's exactly how I did it:
Coral: Money back as a free bet up to £50 if your team is ahead in the first half but doesn't win the match in the end: Matched 5 Premier League games, 3 were successful. I received three £50 free bets which I matched and turned into £130 profit risk free. £130 in 30 minutes
William Hill: Money Back as Cash if your horse comes 2nd- 2 of the 6 horses I matched came 2nd, I was also able to make a profit by just matching the bets because my odds were higher on the bookies side by using the Happy Hour odds (between 12pm-1pm, 3 horses with enhanced odds) and also the 3 daily bet boosts on Horse raising( to boost my odds on another 3 horses). £20 in 5 minutes
Paddy Power: Money Back up to £10 if Horse comes 2nd 3rd or 4th, Matched the horse with the lowest odds and sure enough it came 3rd, got my £10 free bet. £8 in 3 minutes
Skybet: Money Back as cash up to £10 if Horse comes 2nd 3rd or 4th, Matched the horse with the lowest odds and sure enough it came 3rd, got my £10. £9.50 in 3 minutes
Skybet: Wednesday Super odds: Matched the three super odds on the exchange and due to the difference in odds (If the odds on the bookies are greater than those for same bet on the exchange you are automatically profiting). £10 in 3 minutes
Boylesports: £10 Free bet if your bet loses(Premier League Match): £8 in 3 minutes
Paddy Power 2up: An offer where you get paid out early if your time goes up by 2 goals, the profit varies depending on what the odds on the exchange are when you back the team you orignally lay against, but this offer can make you a lot of profit (You will need to download the team profit calculator app and use the early payout calculator). Last week it Made me £35. £35 in 5 minutes
Novibet: Deposit £100 and get a £50 free bet. Very easy because you just have to deposit the money, get your free bet, withdraw your £100 straight away, then match the free bet on the exchange. £40 in 5 minutes
Coral: Bet 3x £5 in play and get a £5 free bet-Availble everyday. Just match these at half time so the odds are stable, Make sure you also place mug bets every couple of days if you do this one a lot, I would reccomend doing it 5 times a week tops. £20 in 30 minutes
Paddy Powe Skybet Bet clubs: Bet 5x £10 bets in a week to get a £10 free bet with Paddy Power. Bet £25 in a week to get a £5 free bet with Skybet. £10 in 30 minutes

Above you can see the reality of making profit long after you've finished the welcome offers, but it comes down to organisation.
So in Summary, these are my 6 Rules for making a monthly Profit:
(1) Check your email daily for offers, many times bookies will send you personalised offers just for you, and these can be very VERY generous.
(2) Check the Reload Offers section on Team profit every morning to see what offers are available that day.
(3) Offers change all the time- Don't let this put you off. There are always new offers to replace the previous ones. There are also Weekly/Daily offers ( Coral £50 free bet, Paddy power refund if 2nd 3rd 4th, William hill money back if second, Paddy Power 2up, Bet clubs etc) which are constantly available when sport is on.
(4) Make Mug bets ( Explained more in PART 3)
(5) It all adds up. Don't think "It's only a £5 free bet, not worth matching". I get around 15 £5 free bets every week, If I ignored them all I would be down £200 at the end of the month.
(6) Don't spend all day at it. Once you've checked your email and reload offers, you know what offers you need to do that day. Set alarms so you can make your matches before each event starts, but don't spend ages sitting at your computer waiting for "the perfect match", for your own mental health, set a time limit of 1 hour per day at most.

PART 3: FAQ
(1) How much money do you need to put in to start?
When you go onto the offers page on Team Profit after signing up, there is an option to start with £25, £50 or £100. You can select one of those three options And it will show you a different number of offers according to your selection. I started with £100 because I wanted to get things moving a little quicker. I did this so that I would have enough money for liability to do a bigger earning offer at the start. One year later, and having see the potential for profit, I keep around £500 floating between my accounts. This is useful for large sporting events where I may want to do around 10- 15 offers in a short time.
(2) Is it in anyway going to impact my credit score?
Using gambling sites doesn't effect your credit score unless you borrow money to fund it. I do all my match betting through a virtual bank (Monzo) in order to keep that stuff out of my main bank on the off chance that it raises any eyebrows. You'll be using Monzo like a cash card, where you can only spend the money you put into the card. This is why it won't affect your credit score, because you wouldn't be taking out an overdraft or using credit for example.
(3) What is Mug Betting?
Mug Betting is where you make bets that have no relation to any offer or promotion in order to appear like a regular punter. If you are doing a lot of offers on one site, it's a good idea to make mug bets in order to avoid being "gubbed" (Gubbed is a term for when bookies realise you are only taking advantadge of promotions and close your account permanantly). Of course you will also Match these "Mug bets" on the exchange. Make 1-2 Mug bets on Each site every week(On the sites you are using a lot for offers and promotions) in order to ensure your accounts last longer than 1-2 years. I have been matching for well over a year and have never been gubbed. Take the extra couple of minutes to Mug bet, it's worth it.
More on Mug betting here

Ok so that's everything I can think of to share with you guys, The link to sign up to your free Team Profit account is at the bottom of Part 1 of this guide.
TLDR: You do not need to "gamble" to match bet, in fact by definition, the bet you make is "matched" on the exchange, so it is not a gamble in any sense.
I really hope this guide will help someone out because It really is a solid way to sort out a months rent for quite a modest amount of work.
Thanks for Reading.

Guide to earning £200+ with match betting

I intend to write a far more detailed guide to match betting without using an odds matching tool like P.A. over the next couple of weeks, this guide will be better suited to those who have zero knowledge of match betting

What is Match Betting?

Match betting is a LEGAL, RISK FREE & TAX FREE way of earning Money. You earn by taking advantage of the various sign up and "reload" offers that bookies provide new and existing customers. For example, when you sign up to William Hill they have an offer of "Deposit £10, get a £20 free bet" You can use this bet and then lay against it at a betting exchange
For example:
Bookie: Bet Chelsea to WIN
Exchange: Bet Chelsea to NOT WIN (It should be noted than when you make a lay at a betting exchange you're covering all other options, so by saying you think Chelsea will NOT win you're saying they will either lose or draw, anything except win)
So now that you've placed them, these two bets will cancel each other out, resulting in you breaking even (or losing a little bit of cash) after this initial bet you will be credited with your free bet. Now, repeat this process again - except this time it's not your own money being used to place the bet! So you get to keep the profits.

How to get started

The best way (I believe) to get started is to sign up for the free trial on Profit Accumulator | Non and follow their step by step instructions. Using their site you can claim two of the offers and earn £45. During the trial you will have the basics of match betting explained to you and once you have earned from your free trial you can use the profit to upgrade to a Platinum account(£22.99/month or £150/year). If you become a platinum member you will have access to hundreds of offers and dozens of extra guides to help you on your journey. When I started doing this a few years back I only used £50 (That I earned doing surveys) as my starting float, however a bigger pot of £100 is advised to help you work through offers quicker.
If you're going to get started with match betting, I recommend you take a photo of the following: Passport or Driving License, bank card used to deposit money, and a recent utility bill - As the bookies fraud prevention teams occasionally ask for these (I've only had it happen once, but it does happen)

Review of the best Match Betting Sites

Profit Accumulator | Non
Profit Accumulator is the oldest and largest match betting community out there, with over 20,000 members on its private forum. Their guides are very simple to follow, with text guides, video guides and a list of offers for first time match betters to sign up to. The Profit Accumulator team are also the only match betting site which has a dedicated customer support line.
Profit Accumulator have also developed a lot of tools over the past year or so, including Oddsmatching, which find you the right games to maximise your profit, the match catcher which is used betting on the horses, The Acca catcher which is for people who’ve been doing this for years and now use accumulators to make most of their profit, a profit tracker. More recently they’ve created the Early Pay out calculator the Offers Calendar and the Match Betting Diary
Cost: FREE TRIAL! which will earn you £45 and then £17.99 after that

Odds Monkey | Non
OddsMonkey used to be my favourite sites until Profit Accumulator pulled slightly ahead of them. They’re very user friendly & focus more on newbies to the game. They’re the original creator of the oddsmatcher, which finds the perfect bets for you to make maximum profit.
Once again they offer written & video tutorials for people of all abilities and experience. As well as a huge community to offer you support. Odds Monkey is the only site where you can get 1 on 1 training by one of their seasoned professionals, simply pick your time slow and you can talk to someone who’s been match betting for years.
OddsMonkey probably offer more tools than any other sites, including: OddsMatcher, Racing Matcher, Each way matcher, Acca matcher, Acca finder, dutch search, tennis matcher and more.

Heads&Heads | Non
Head&Heads is relative new comer to the game, founded in 2016 it is run by one man, however that one man is some type of match betting machine sent from the future to help us get back at the bookies, it seems to update with reloads and new offers quicker than the two sites above who have large teams.
Their dashboard is clean, cut and simple making it very clear how much you’ve earned and where. They also have the oddchecker, a tracking table of every bet you’ve made, which is directly linked to their bet form. In my opinion heads&heads is the best site for more experienced match betting users.
Cost: FREE TRIAL! which will earn you £45 and then £17.99 after that HeadandHeads has kindly provided the following code BMUK01 which will give you 30 days of premium membership for £1

Being gubbed & mug bets

Mug bets - Ok, so match betting is completely legal, however, Most bookies aren't too keen on you only using them for offers. So it's highly recommended to place occasional "mug bets" - What's a mug bet? It's basically a normal (small) bet which is nothing to do with your match betting. A mug bet is simply a small bet to make you look like a regular customer, once again Profit Accumulator | Non has got you covered on the best ways to place mug bets. They advise following a cycle: Qualifying bet, free bet, mug bet, withdraw profits.
Being gubbed - This is when a bookie has figured out that you're only match betting and using their offers, the bookie can limit your account to only making small bets, or not getting any offers. You can get back in good stead with them by placing non-offer bets but this could take time and still never amount to anything.

Slot Offers

These offers aren't required to make a healthy profit, but they can be a good earner for you. Slot offers come in many different flavours, and you have to take each one for its merits, some are simply a few free spins and sometimes you have large wagers involved for your free spins. People are often put off by slots because a lot of the time they’re not completely risk-free. It is up to you to weigh up the value of doing them as you have the chance to win big from doing these, you have the potential to make upwards of £100 from a single offer, but like I said... not for everyone. Profit Accumulator | Non will advise you about the risk factor for each slot offer. It will either be no risk (so for examples and offers where the bookies will give you your money back – wager £5 and be credited £5 if you lose it all) or a low risk offer (which is what most slot offers are) where you have to wager a larger amount but the potential earnings are a lot higher. They will also tell you which slots you are best using, unless the offer is for a selected slot only

Jargon Buster

When you start your Match betting journey you'll notice lots of terms thrown around, if you're unsure of them ask me and I’ll try to explain. Here are some of the common terms:
Lay Bet: This is the bet you lay in the exchange against your bookie bet. This bet covers you for all options that are not what the bet is backing – e.g. Bet is to WIN; the lay bet will cover LOSS and DRAW.
Qualifying Bet: This is when you place a bet to qualify for an offer, for example if the offer was "bet £10 get a £20 free bet" then £10 is your qualifying bet.
Mug Bet: This is a small bet placed to convince the bookie you're a regular punter
Gubbed: When a bookie bans or limits your account, this usually happens due to a lack of mug bets.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Is Matched Betting a scam?
A: NO! Everything is tried & tested, supported by various forums all over the internet and has been features on the BBC, The Guardian and various other news outlets... it's legit!

Q: Is Matched Betting Gambling
A: NO! With Gambling you have a risk, Match betting has no risks because you cover every outcome - the only risk is human error.

Q: Is Matched Betting really risk free?
A: Yes and No, If you just follow the instructions for the offers then you will face no risk. However if you decide to use slot offers then there is a slight risk associated with it, but that's your choice you aren't required to do the slot offers.

Q: How is Matched Betting tax-free?
A: As it's considered gambling you don't pay any tax on your winnings.

Q: Will Matched Betting affect my credit rating?
A: NO! But bookies will leave an imprint on your credit file. This is just an identity check to make sure that you are genuine.

Q: Do I need a separate bank account for Matched Betting?
A: NO, But it is recommended, simply because seeing lots of deposits and withdrawals to casinos can look unappealing on your bank account. Most mortgage companies want to see 3 months worth of bank statements - but if you have 10 bookmakers on them every week it might look like you have a problem.
TLDR: Use the free trial from Profit Accumulator | Non to make your first £45 from the bookies (Risk Free).

With the football back, and the big fight at the weekend there’s never been a better time to start Match Betting

I have been a matched betting enthusiast for years and now I am teaching it for free to everyone.

Hey beermoneyukers!
After years working in my 9-5 job as a website developer for a large corporation I decided I could not face selling my soul any longer lols and packed in my job.
Since then, I had a stint working as a freelancer whilst also making a healthy side income via matched betting. And over the past 9 months I’ve been building a website that teaches people how to do the same.
There are a lot of websites out there that teach matched betting, but most require a monthly subscription and most have long articles that can be a bit dry and hard to follow.
So instead, I built a website, Team Profit, that:
Is completely free
Uses animated video guides to teach people (link)
Has infographics to accompany all video guides
Provides step by step guides for 25+ bookmaker offer which will make you £600+ risk free (link)
I have amended the video script over 50 times to try to make it as concise and helpful as possible, hopefully they are a good watch!
Any feedback on the videos, guides, blog or anything else, please let me know, I spend every day adding new content and improving existing content.
If you are thinking of learning matched betting and making £600+ risk free, please check it out!
www.teamprofit.com

MEGA FAQs GUIDE TO MATCHED BETTING

The video guides I posted above will teach you everything about matched betting.
However, I figure no harm in me writing down everything I know about matched betting in an FAQ style layout. Hopefully this will be useful to you.
I have tried to answer every question as concise as possible / no rambling :D
I have split the FAQs into the following sections:

INTRODUCTION
1) What exactly is matched betting and how I do make money risk free?
2) How popular is matched betting?
3) Does it involve gambling?
4) How much money will I need to start?
5) How much time will it take me to learn matched betting?

OFFERS & YOUR PROFIT
1) How much money can I make matched betting from the welcome offers (new customer only)?
2) How much is a free bet worth in actual cash profit?
3) After I have finished the Welcome Offers, how much money can I make matched betting each month from Daily Offers (existing customer offers)?
4) What type of Daily Offers are available?

BOOKMAKERS AND BETTING EXCHANGES
1) Which bookmakers have the best welcome offers?
2) Which bookmakers have the best offers for existing customers?
3) What is mug betting?
4) What is a betting exchange?
5) How do we use a betting exchange?

ADDRESSING COMMON CONCERNS
1) How sustainable is matched betting?
2) Will it impact my credit rating?
3) Do the bookmakers have terms to stop customers from withdrawing?
4) Do I need to know about sports?

WHICH WEBSITES TEACH MATCHED BETTING - YOUR OPTIONS
1) Where can you learn matched betting?

ADDITIONAL FAQS
1) Depositing and withdrawing
2) Sending identification documents
Any questions that haven’t been answered please add a comment and I’ll add the FAQ and answer.

INTRODUCTION

1) What exactly is matched betting and how I do make money risk free?
There are more than 25 online bookmakers in the UK. In order to attract new customers, they each offer free bets, known as ‘Welcome Offers’.
In total they offer over £800 in free bets to new customers.
In order to receive the free bet, bookmakers require you to place your first bet. An example offer is ‘Bet £5, Get £20 free bet’.
The risk is that you could lose both the £5 bet (your own cash) and the £20 free bet.
By using a technique called matched betting, we remove this risk.
This is because we match our first £5 bet on the bookmaker with a £5 bet on a betting exchange on the opposite outcome (this is known as a ‘lay bet’).
For example, we bet £5 on Man Utd to win on the bookmaker, and £5 on Man Utd not to win on the betting exchange.
As we have now bet on all outcomes, regardless of whether Man Utd win, draw or lose, we will neither win nor lose money. However, we have received the £20 free bet!
With the £20 free bet, we can now repeat this process by betting on say Liverpool to win on the bookmaker and Liverpool not to win.
This time, because we are using a £20 free bet but our winnings are paid out in cash, we will always make a profit.
We repeat this process for 25+ bookmakers, one by one. In total we can convert the £800+ in free bets to over £600+ in actual cash profit, in very little time at all.

2) How popular is matched betting?
Matched betting isn’t new and has been around since at least 2005.
However, it is only since 2015 that it has really increased in popularity due to the rise of websites teaching matched betting. You can see this trend here: Google Trends Link
By looking at the various matched betting sites popularity, a reasonable estimate is at least 25,000 people in the UK are matched betters. You can see a review of sites that teach matched betting in the ‘Which websites teach matched betting?’ section below.

3) Does it involving gambling?
This is the most common assumption with matched betting. You’d be forgiven for thinking that it did involve gambling simply because the name ‘matched betting’ would suggest it did.
However, matched betting does not involve gambling, you will never be risking a penny.
Because we are always covering the opposite outcome occurring, there is never any risk we will lose money. Furthermore, we still receive the free bets which we will where we make our profit.
The profitability and risk free nature of matched betting has been reviewed in the Daily Telegraph and the Guardian

4) How much will I need to start?
You can start with as little as you want, however the lowest I would recommend starting with would be £25.
With £25, you can start your first bookmaker welcome offer and make a deposit into your first betting exchange, meaning you can start making a profit.
For more details, see this Starting with £25 guide.
The downside, with only £25 you are restricted by having to wait for withdrawals before you can move onto the next offer.
Therefore, I would say an optimal amount to have available for your cash flow would be in the region of £200 as this allows you to complete multiple welcome offers simultaneously.

5) How long will it take me to learn matched betting?
To learn the principles of matched betting, it will take up to 20 minutes.
To become familiar with completing your first offer, I would set aside another 30-60 minutes so you can take your time and ensure you are completing it correctly.
For example, the video guides on Team Profit last a total of 21 minutes (8 minutes for the explainers videos and 13 minutes to watch the step-by-step real time example). Although they last just 21 minutes, some users watch certain parts of the video again to become comfortable with the process.
It is very much recommended to avoid trying to learn matched betting by yourself. There are thousands of experienced matched betters who can help you. For more details on this, see the ‘Which Websites Teach Matched Betting’ section.
If you need any help anytime, please do comment in this Reddit thread and I’ll help you out.

OFFERS

1)How much money can I make matched betting from the welcome offers (new customer only)?
From the welcome offer, you can make approximately £1,000 cash profit.
There are 25+ bookmaker offers available on sports for at least £600 profit. These are relatively straightforward offers and good value in terms of time to complete. It would take around 12 hours to complete these offers, which works around £40 / hour tax free. You can complete them over any time period you like.
There are at least another 5 bookmaker offers, such as Bet365 and BetVictor, though these require more time, you could make around £100 to £200. They require more time because the bookmaker requires you to bet many more times before you can withdraw.
Plus 20+ offers across casino and bingo, though some are not risk free and typically take more time to complete, but you should be able to make at least £200 profit from these offers.
So overall, there is an easy £600 profit risk free, then up to another £400 if it’s worth your time to do them.

2) How much is a free bet worth in actual cash profit?
A £10 free bet is worth between £5 to £8 in actual cash profit.
The reason for the range is because the higher odds you choose for your free bet, the more actual cash profit you will make.
For example, if you bet on a football team with odds of 2.0, the £10 free bet will convert to around £5 cash profit. Whereas if you bet on a football team that is unlikely to win, with odds of say 6.0, the £10 free bet will convert to around £8 cash profit.
Note though, the higher odds you choose, the more you will need in your betting exchange account in case the bet wins. For a detailed explanation with examples, read this free bet profit article.

3) After I have finished the Welcome Offers, how much money can I make matched betting each month (from existing customer offers)?
Anywhere from £100 to £1,000+ per month.
Bookmakers continue to run free bet offers to retain their customers, I refer to these as Daily Offers.
Daily Offers are typically less valuable than the welcome offers but still worth completing.
For example, rather than ‘Bet £5 Get £20’ that they offer to new customers, they may instead run ‘Bet £20 Get £10’ and on a particular football match.
I would say for people with a day job, aiming for between £300 to £500 a month is realistic. In terms of time required, for every hour you spend, you should make around £30 tax free.
So to make £300 a month, expect to spend around 2-3 hours a week. I’d say to earn more than this, you will likely need to accept a lower hourly rate and do some of the low value offers too.
If you are looking to make £1,000+, I’d expect you would have to be near full time and also be fortunate to keep your enough of your bookmaker accounts open for 12+ month period (what is mugging bet FAQ below).

4) What type of offers are available for existing customers?

Easy offers:
The most common easy offer on football matches is Bet £20 Get £10 free bet. Many bookmakers run this offer, though it will usually be on a particular football match.
The most common easy offer on horse racing is usually on SkyBet, who will run simple offers such as ‘Get £25 free bet if your horse comes 2nd or 3rd’.
There are also easy casino offers, such as ‘£5 risk free’, where you spin on slots and hope to win, if you don’t they’ll refund up to £5 of losses.
These offers can make you up to £300 per month (or £500 on a good month with European football) and are easy for those with a day job.

Harder offers:
If you are looking to make more than £300 to £500 a month, then you will need to spend time on Saturday’s completing horse racing offers on Channel 4 racing and during the week too, though Saturday’s are the most profitable.
Plus you will need to do more advanced offers such as football accumulator refunds, each way offers, though I will leave these aside given they could have their own separate thread :p
If you’d like to understand where you can learn more about these offers, see ‘Which sites teach matched betting?’ FAQ below.

BOOKMAKERS AND BETTING EXCHANGE

1) Which bookmakers have the best welcome offers?

There are 3 formats of bookmakers welcome offers.

‘Bet £X Get £Y free bet’ - these are the most straightforward. Simply place your first bet and receive a free bet.
This format of welcome offer, ranging from Bet £5 Get £20 to Bet £50 Get £50, is available on Coral, SkyBet, BetBright, Betfred, Paddy Power, BetStars, William Hill, Stan James, Betway, Ladbrokes, TitanBet, 32Red and MarathonBet.

‘Refunds’ (also known as Risk Free offers) - these are similar to Bet £X Get £Y free bet. The only difference is you only receive your free bet if your first bet loses, hence I refer to these offers are refund offers.
This format of welcome offer is, ranging from £10 to £50 refunds, is available on Bwin, Dafabet, UniBet, Totesport, 188Bet, SuperLenny, Genting and 888Sport.

‘Multi Bets’ - these welcome offers require multiple bets to be placed before receiving your reward. It can take form of a bonus which requires to bet £X amount until you can withdraw any winnings, or the form of a cash reward once you have bet £X amount.
This format of welcome offer is available on Bet365, BetVictor and some other bookmakers, however they often require such a large amount of betting that I haven’t included them in this list.
The quickest to complete are the Bet £X Get £Y due to their simplicity, then the next best are the ‘Refunds’ offers.
The Multi Bet offers can be very valuable (e.g. Bet£365’s offer is worth over £150 profit risk free) but can also require much larger deposits in order to place the bookmaker bets and lay these bets in your Exchange.

For details of each bookmaker offer, see this Welcome Offer List & Guides

2) Which bookmakers have the best offers for existing customers?

Bookmakers vary in their level of generosity to existing customers. This is a little subjective, but in my opinion, this is the ranking of bookmakers for existing customers:

Best: Bet365
Bet365 run a £50 Risk Free offer most months (sometimes twice a month during popular football months) which is worth £35. It is very quick to complete (less than 10 minutes) so for £35 to £70, or around £500 a year, it is a great offer.
Plus they have one of the best horse racing offers, up to a £50 risk free bet if your pick a winning horse with high odds. This is a profitable offer worth around £20-£30 a week, or up to £1,000 to £1,500 a year.

Second Best: SkyBet
SkyBet run regular £5 to £25 free bet offers on horse racing and football, plus regular £5 risk free offers in SkyVegas.

Third & Fourth Best: Coral and Paddy Power
Both these sites run regular horse racing, price boosts and football offers (Bet £20 Get £10 in particular), at least £20 to to be made on every week from these two sites.

Good: William Hill, Ladbrokes, BetStars, Stan James, Betway, Bwin, Betfred, Totesport, 188Bet, 888, BetVictor
All these bookmakers run offer(s) each week so it’s worth ensuring you have completed the welcome offer for each of these sites so you can take advantage of their daily offers for existing customers.

3) What is mug betting?
If you are only ever betting when you receive an offer, the bookmaker will no longer allow your account to receive free bet offers (this is known as being ‘gubbed’).
To get around this, you should place ‘mug’ bets. ‘Mug’ bets are simply bets that a ‘mug’ punter would place. Mug bets include £1 accumulators (betting on several teams to win) and betting on favourites without an offer.
Most advice suggests that for every offer you receive, you should place 2-3 mug bets.
If you are gubbed, it does kinda suck when you receive the email, as you can no longer profit from the bookmaker’s offers.
It is also becoming increasingly common as bookmakers are noticing more suspected matched bettors, due to its increasing popularity. My advice is to make money whilst you can and take sensible precautions to try to keep your account active.
For more details, see this Mug Betting article

4) What is a betting exchange?
A betting exchange is a marketplace for customers to bet between each other on the outcome of particular events. This differs from a traditional bookmaker because an exchange also gives you the ability to be the bookmaker yourself and take bets from other exchange users.
Standard bookmakers generate profit by offering odds that are in their favour. Betting exchanges explained in terms of how they generate revenue is they charge a commission on any winnings a player receives.
The two market leading betting exchanges are, Betfair and Smarkets.
For more details, Betting Exchanges Comparison.

5) How we use betting exchanges?
When matched betting, a betting exchange is used to place our lay bets (the opposite bet to our trigger bet). So when we place the trigger bet with the bookmaker on one outcome to release the initial free bet, we must also cover the opposite outcome so that if the bookmaker bet does lose we still win on the lay bet - making it risk free!
Similarly when we are placing the free bet bet with the bookmaker we then lay off that bet using the exchange and because we’re using a free bet but being paid out in cash, this is how we turn free bets into withdrawable cash.
We only ever use betting exchanges for lay bets.

ADDRESSING COMMON CONCERNS

1) How sustainable is matched betting?
Matched betting over the past 6-9 months has become harder. Most bookmakers have realised they are thousands of matched betters taking advantage of their offers and so have either reduced the generosity of their offers or have made the daily offers more complicated.
However, there is still intense competition between the bookmakers, meaning they will always run special offers to an extent.
By spending a few hours a week, you can still make £300 to £500 a month, whereas in past year(s) this figure could have been £500 to £800.
The biggest issue matched betters face is being ‘gubbed’. As explained in the mug betting FAQ, this is when a bookmaker restricts you from receiving free bets and bonuses.
There are various theories as to how a particular bookmaker decides to to gub a customer. Reasons include taking up too many offers, winning a high % of bets, withdrawing regularly, placing bets far in advance or at irregular times.
The truth is nobody really knows precisely why people gubbed. However, you can expect to get gubbed at some point from a particular bookmaker, it may be 2 months, it may be 2 years, it is hard to know.
I really think though that everyone can make up to £1,000 from the Welcome Offers and at least £300 to £500 a month without any problems. I think the issues comes when you are making £1,000+ every month which sooner or later bookmakers will catch up that you are taking up a lot of offers.
Having said this, some people say they have been making £1,000+ every month for years, so maybe it is possible if you are using a wide variety of bookmakers and consistently placing mug bets.

2) Will it impact my credit rating?
Having betting activity on your bank statement does not impact your credit rating.
The only thing to be wary of when making betting deposits and withdrawals is that it can affect your application for a mortgage. So if you’re planning on applying for a mortgage in the near future then I’d recommend using a separate bank account to that which you’ll be applying for the mortgage with.

3) Do the bookmakers have terms to stop customers from withdrawing?
The vast majority of welcome offers do not have any withdrawal restrictions.
A handful of welcome offers do but this will be state in the terms and conditions. It is much easier though to use a matched betting website as they will clearly highlight the key terms of each offer (see ‘Which websites teach matched betting’ section below).
Casino offers will almost always have withdrawal restrictions, however for the matched betting welcome offers we are focusing on sports betting.

4) Do I need to know about sports?
Not at all! You do not need a sports background or have any sort of betting knowledge, many matched betters do not know anything about sport or betting before learning matched betting.
You may learn matched betting a little faster if you have sports betting experience but it really isn't important at all.

WHICH WEBSITE TEACH MATCHED BETTING - YOUR OPTIONS

There are 30+ websites that three key stages to matched betting:
Stage 1) Learning matched betting
Stage 2) Completing the Welcome Offers (for new customers)
Stage 3) Profiting in the long term from Daily Offers (for existing customers)
Below I have tried to cover the main sites that will help you with each of these stages.

In summary, I may be biased :p but I think the:
Stage 1) and Stage 2) best approach is to use TeamProfit.com
Stage 3) Join a paid membership site, either OddsMonkey.com, ProfitAccumulator.co.uk or ProfitMaximiser.co.uk to continue to make money from the Daily Offers.

FREE SITES:

TeamProfit.com (link)
I really believe Team Profit is the best site to learn matched betting and complete the welcome offers, but compare us to the other sites and see what you think!
Learn matched betting with animated videos (link)
25+ Welcome Offers using the step by step guides (link)
A free Facebook group to provide help to you anytime you need (link).

MoneySavingExpert.com (link)
The advantage of MoneySavingExpert is the sheer volume of content, covering all aspects of matched betting.
The disadvantage of MoneySavingExpert it is not well structured as it is just one forum with a long lists of posts so it takes quite a while to find relevant threads and miss key information.

MatchedBettingBlog.com (link)
The advantage of MatchedBettingBlog is the clear layout of the daily offers posted each day for with step by step instructions. It’s a good site to check to avoid missing the best and easier daily offers. The forum community also helps to post additional offers on top of those listed on the homepage, and also provides general advice on completing daily offers.
The disadvantage of MatchedBettingBlog is it is relatively limited in terms of teaching matched betting and does not provide a clear list of welcome offers. Also, for those looking to make £500+ every month, it doesn’t provide any software to help with the more advanced types of matched betting with daily offers, such as horse racing refunds and accumulator refunds, that the paid member sites offer.
Additional free matched betting sites include:
Matchedbettingfree.co.uk (link) (Reddit thread link)
Freebets4all.com (link)

PAID SITES:

Paid sites usually charge £15 to £25 a month.
In return, they will teach matched betting, provide list of welcome offers and provide daily offers too. Additionally, most paid sites will also provide software that helps to make you more money plus save you time.

OddsMonkey.com (link | non)
OddsMonkey charge £15 per month or £150 per year.
They are the most well known provider of matched betting software. Earlier this year, they added the full range of matched betting services, so now they provide all of the below:
Tutorial articles
Welcome offer step by step guides
Daily offers calendar
Software: OddsMatcher, Horse Racing Refunds, Tennis Refunds, range of calculators and spreadsheet
Forum
The advantage of OddsMonkey is the exceptional value. They have the best range of software and tools for matched betters to maximise their profits, are consistently bringing up new tools at no added cost. At only £15 per month it is one of the best options to consider.
The only disadvantage is the forum is not as busy as the next two options, ProfitAccumulator and Profit Maximiser. Though the forum is still a sufficiently active to ensure any questions have you are answered quickly.

Profit Accumulator (Link - Chazmer87's I don't have one | non)
Profit Accumulator charge £23 per month or £150 per year
Profit Accumulator helped to bring matched betting to the main stream with a highly active community. There are clear similarities between OddsMonkey and Profit Accumulator in terms of their high standard of software and offers.
The advantage of Profit Accumulator is their very active community. There is a great deal of advice in virtually every aspect of matched betting and the information is all well structured. Plus they have a very good offers coverage.
The only disadvantage to Profit Accumulator is the higher cost. The membership itself is £23 per month, plus their version of the Horse Racing Refunds software is £10 per month, or £115 a year. So in total you are paying £33 per month versus OddsMonkey’s £15 per month.

Profit Maximiser (Link | non)
Profit Maximiser is run by the original matched betting guru Mike Cruickshank.
Mike has been building software for matched betters for many years and has a very active Facebook Group.
Each piece of software is sold separately, I believe the below is accurate, each have their own £1 free trials:
Bonus Bagging £27 plus VAT - provides a list of all welcome offers and teaching (Link | non)
Profit Maximiser £97 plus VAT - provides all daily offers (Link | non)
Each Way Sniper £47 plus VAT - provides a horse racing betting system (Link)
Accumulator Generator £149 plus VAT - provides a football betting system (Link)
I believe Mike may have a couple more tools, if so I’ll edit this post if you could please comment / send me a message.
The advantage of Mike’s products is that there is no monthly recurring fee, so if you intend to do this for many months, it may work out profitable to do so. Plus from what I understand their Facebook Group finds some lucrative casino loophole offers faster than other matched betting providers.
The disadvantage of Mike’s products is that you have to buy each product separately rather than having it all within one simple account. Additionally, the total cost if you were to buy all 4 above listed products is £320 + VAT (total cost £384) whereas you could receive all these tools for £15 per month from Oddsmonkey. Having said that, Mike’s products do come with a £1 free trial, just be careful to cancel before the trial ends if you don’t want to continue.
Additional free matched betting sites include: Yes Bets link
Pure Profit link

ADDITIONAL

1) Depositing and withdrawing
To ensure you qualify for the Welcome Offer, use a bank card to deposit into your newly set up bookmaker account. Most sites will allow Paypal too though check the terms and conditions.
If you use Skrill or Neteller, typically you will not qualify for the Welcome Offer (bookmakers have this rule to prevent fraud) but you can check the terms and conditions.
Withdrawing is easy, you should receive your funds within 1-3 working days depending on the bookmaker.

2) Sending identification documents
Occasionally, bookmakers may require to send in identification documents (passport or drivers licence for example) and a copy of your bank card. This is to prevent fraud. This usually happens if you are not listed on the Electoral Roll or there is a difference between your home address and billing address. Simply take a photo of the documents they ask for and email them back.

THAT COMPLETES THE MEGA FAQ GUIDE TO MATCHED BETTING!

If you have any questions, comments or suggestions, please do post a comment thanks!

YBet : betting service with YES/NO bets

The story of lilacs and roses written by : Shhvitty lef'snv'srsilent grammeffure

This is the conundrum that I have shed tears, Won women, Lost women, Met friends, lost friends, and a host of many other changes associated with times passing. You ask Would I have willingly shed blood for even a hint at the answer? If you have actually ever attempted to dabble in some of the truths you seek then the answer Is as positive as Lindsay Lohands piss test this morning when she woke up from her St. Paddys Day, Week long celebration, including over im sure fifty different chemical compounds probably not FDA or OSHA approved. And twice that number of times she was probably rejected for being down right repugnent, I assume it or that thing, or whatever we shall call the grotesque wraith that was once such a lovely blooming child star, still gender specifics aren't something I care about right now she still probably wants to, or hell might even have to get her lady rocks off every once in a while. I can hear her now " Cmeeere kitti kitti kitti kitties, as the villages around her lowely kingdom just southeast of the baldwin fiefdom, had sent in their mandatory number of eighteen year old male sacrifices. At first they weren't called as sacrafices just concubines to try to please what was left of lohan, but every single time one went in... they came out, said their goodbyes and managed to off-themselves, every single one so far up to date, (over 800) not one has failed this routine, none know what is going on in there, but none come out unscathed enough to share the tale, few come out at all, fewer still can stand to see their loved ones again to say goodbye before rushing towards sweet sweet ignorant bliss. ( I managed to talk to one before he got to himself, all he could say was it was so cold and scarry... over and over and over.... his lips were blue, but that was the only sign that he was cold on his body, no goosebumbs nothin. He smelled of three things, two i could place before I could even pronounce the first sylable of the word "the" incidentaly the entire word. I knew these smells like the back of my hand, the first was one i had danced with many times, I smelled the fumes of fear, the second a little bit more fearsome if more disconcerting, owl semenBut the third smell had a familiar yet distant aroma, as if I had smelled it long ago, but took note of the scent, only to pose no symbolism to form a connection.Obviously some being would being giving me the command and reward, obviously my lord inglip will not be failed, long had he been a just ruller, accomplishing feats the likes of which haven't been seen in years. He agreed to give me my soldiers in exchange every one of those hours spent wasted contemplating on that question, the same hours i was Gaining my troops from, I had to adopt one rescue kitten per hour. I wasn't even mad, i Opened up a huge farm, and let them all kind of wander off, I hire mexican families to live there full time, tending crops to attract mice, to feed the cats...It oddly works out in the end, in a sick, wow the cat truly got a better deal than the mexicans. So back to it .If I had a contingent of 50 men(I have two options for soldiers, After further communications, our great and might filled lord inglip, has granted me the latter of my two requests, My first choice was 50 of the flying bears that wore superman capes, shat rainbows, and shot lazer beams from their eyes from AoE Mythology I believe, Or my second option but by far not the least potent, or by any means short, sweet and/or easy to explain, my lord inglip be willing, he would give me 50 of your weak mortal souls, 50 of you would probably volunteer right now if i told you where your souls go, Into my first 50 men, in the flesh, like if marcus, yah the Cog hero, had just had a little bit too rough wifd thoze flooziez dey rowll whiff, The stupid bitches that followed them around in the third one, not sure about earlier games, I just noticed how annoying they were in 3, but little did the public eye know that the two females in GoW3, Arya and the other bitch, are actually succubi, being individual bastard replicas, as both succubi began writhing in a slow mesmerizing dance, the humans were scared" I laughed a little, knowing that this dance, was actually what they do to convince each other that they are of proper succubi class and etiquette. Afterwards indulging in their misunderstood pleasure to boil away at their own form, pressing their opponent to try anything more hiddeous... You can immagine this ritual wasn't a favorite among the greeks who first was able to summon the first succubus. Any way 50 at a time I recruit you drones to fill this army of redditor soul filled cog army, but just the poweranger, marcus, Mie boieyu Cole Trainsilent pause. And my inspiration, the drunk cowboy himself, Dizzy wasn't invited to the party... He bought out the hotel that be throwin it and tooke their booze and left them with miles davis records, nothing more nothing less. And i suppose i do have another spot on my team, but i'd fill it w/ another Cole train, another you may ask?, allow me to explain, First rule of war, A Black guy gets shot first, every time, no exceptions, second rule, Remaining black men are very useful, as they are much more agile if my stereotypes serve me correctly, making them better soldiers for that extra bone in their leg too right? but anyway every hour of sleep i've lost, inglip gives me 50 of you, I'd guess I would have an army of cog soldiers, assuming they assume to have the same bullet eating ability, and ability to recover from 40 or so bullet wounds with the help of a friendly hand... only three times tho... Big enough to take over southern and central america in a couple of months max, considering how much weight brute force carries in the parts of south america and central america i've seen. Some of you will fight, Some of you will ruin your cog skin suit, and have to reclaim another one at the graveyard for ten percent of whatever money you got on you, and some sticks. Others will raise to glory and conquer the world under me. By my calculations. S, being number of Platoons of troops sent to me sorry to all, if platoon and contingent are actually precise numbers, couldn't remember, either way, disregard them, for I used the word I stupid to use right. *on purpose yes, hehe have fun, ill throw you guys some more of this deliciously sweet sweet irresistible adjective filled descriptions and the ~~delicacy~~,of grammar correcting karma.(let's be fair, karma is our life blood, grammer karma is to reddit, as tomalies are to mexico, or money is to whatever country the jews are currently crashing at? Or what oreos are to the Manning's, perhaps you will understand more if i continue. It's the one thing that turns reddit wild. as Mrs. huxtable was the only thing that could ever get The black stallion himself, Duke of doplededops, Prince of pudding pops, The supreme court justice of green jello, the king of knitted christmas sweaters himself! out of his previously aforementioned sweater, to this day highly desired and praised by the masses, famous Cosby sweater. !!!Anyway S obvs. equals H here, H being hours missed sleeping over conundrum, so we will just use a combined Q for it mostly resembles quite, and therefore the Combination SH. So Q50 = My number of redditer soul filled GoW Cog clone husks. (remember only, Power ranger, Cole train, Marcus, Dizzy, and another Cole train are allowed on the team, no fighting over who gets divo cole train neither). I lose an average of at least 4 hours of sleep every 3 days over it, so in a week on average i lose 9.33 repeating hours, so every four weeks I lose a total of ~37.3, assuming I remember shit right which might be a bad call, I will assume that there are 56 weeks in a year, In boastfulness of lord inglips power and to assure lower beings it is so, I will Drop the one third of an hour every week, creating a much smaller cache of soldiers, but hey, it makes my stoned math easier, and I fear some of you are probably better soldiers than others, but I trust that on reddit live, separated and out of contact, by anonymity, An army of unimaginable videogame army power. From those that are old among us who first called CS or CS2 their home, for others it was Halo 2, For more even still who could forget the glory of CoD Desperately holding on to their WW2 fantasies, and settled that world at war was probably enough, oh what a glorious day it was! to all who beheld it. and even more still, i know you are out there, Silently waiting with the rest of us, untill our name is called and it is time to create a Heros name for yourself and become a martyr giving your life be it through real gore or pixel glory, we have all waded the dreams, tides, and steady stream of complex emotions when walking that ethereal realm where the question. "Am I Real?" makes more sense than if someone came up and asked for the time. You understand the complexities of that question so well and scares the living shit out of you. Only to find yourself alive, revitalized, and enlightened. The sheer irony being once you have reached the state where you realize all things must be neutral and all things once alive, will once again be dead, yet you understand the concept of life and death so well after winning the Etheral battle of eternal wisdom, and yet, to share it, would give it no more justice than if i told you north was south or south was towards the nearest turkey, it just can't happen it doesn't make sense, and I have mulled over the answer, and its simple in its idiocy to think that there is a definitive answer we will one day know. That's just plain silly, excuse my french. Because my dear army, or future army, whichever side you fall on now, warning, i lose a lot of sleep so after dropping the third of an hour from our original equation. so every 4 weeks I lose 36 hours of sleep. Imbetween (56/4X36) maths... anyway that comes out to be, 14 X 36, which is like 504, now take that, because that's the number hours total i've lost on this fucking question in a year mind you, so thats twenty one days total ive lost on this question, not like lost twenty one days worth of my night time stroll around the ol' noggins more entertaining alleys. I mean fucking total hours lost, 5 days is equivalent to a hundred and twenty hours, so 20 days and another, were wasted, doing nothing but thinking of this conundrum... but wait... 504 hours... seems like i get 50 of you drones as cog slaves per hours so (504 [total hours]50 [troops allotted by our great lord inglip] = 25,200[ My yearly average of recruits for the very real, redditor soul fueled cog army] every hour i whittle away at this cursed riddle, the same riddle inglip was imprisoned with the many years ago, light times came for our enemies, but we waited, the master and I, patiently. But the day of waiting wore thin, soon my master broke from his bonds and ordered horrible deeds done to those who had defied him and imprisoned him in his own coffe mug, the novelty kind that look like the cool german steins w/ the metal top w/ attached thumb levermabob for easy beer glass opening and closing. *Ill take a moment of silence for the glorious advantages our thumbs allow us. Feared was Inglip, the day word spread he had broken free again, set out to regain his lost power, he found it chillin w/ our boi cole train playin it up w/ some biotches in the press box of his old thrashball stadium. As they say the only thing that attracts power, is power, and luckily cole train was a litteral power magnet, this pleased The lord Inglip. And now that all of our plans our known we shall strike all major cities! here we come, the first and only warning, to our first unsuspecting target, I will give to you in the form of a riddle. From this city I was invented, a peppermint at first, dispensed from a lighter, later in life, i bet daffy and buggs, and we kicked it and chilled wid it, and got chewed till they threw me up. High times are gone when i was the candy champ, for now im just shitty candy... that has relied it's entire career on cheap gimmic toy dispensers... and hell... Lets be fair, i had a good run. But out I came, regurgitated by the symbols of the long held throne of the saturday morning entertainment elites, If i even had to mention obviously I meant the toons of old, recognizing some of the classiest mother fucking animated animals i'd ever seen. Not what you turn on now, that's for the younger generation to convince us it's cool, while we shove 90's stuff down their throat, while their kids will probably be making music by boiling tea with different sized kettles to get the sweet melody of boiling tea kettle music, BTKM Is All About the Smoke stack, it's pretty much everything Skrillex's Drop Wish it could be... rising........ yah that's my like 2cent pieces i've harvested from foreign countries i've made sure you've never heard of before bringing, because I knew you would think it was cool......... Tl;Dr At lord Inglip's command I put my sleep loss into the perspective of an absurd army, that's story got too deep for me to care anymore, but many mysteries are broken within these texts. As long as lord Inglip's rule is supreme, I may rest my weary head, for I have conquered more than the armys of my foes, I have conquered the boredom, or perhaps just some of the free or not so free time, of a fellow redditor = D hope you enjoyed my personalized message of how useless it is to think that over too much.
Although the story is shitty, all over the place, and not very well thought out. Let's not forget Steev-o, Bam margera, and all of my boy M.Knight's films like 2002, ill give him till there, and i'm being generous to my boy M.Knight, for now. Anyway The things listed in this paragraph all fall into a set of guidlines, and all are popular except one.... tell me why that is. Steev-o, Bam Margera, M.Knights films, this measly story = (
Either way, You see it you see it you don't you don't, I love you my dear, I hope you see this.

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