Recommended if you like: occupation storylines, characters dealing with mental health issues, wide sweeping epics, magic scientist main characters, people learning to forgive themselves, ancient history impacting current warfare, immortal beings that are tired of this shit, big old towers, lore galore, The Cosmere, Brandon Sanderson

Preface

I took a lot of notes while reading and I have a wide range of complaints and points of appreciation that I sort of want to share, but I'll also try to keep this in a legible form rather than just give you a list of all my thoughts. I'll tag explicit plot spoilers, but this post will by necessity give some stuff away, so please proceed with caution.
A note: I've listened to the whole book on audio and may spell things wrong.
I want to stress up front that I absolutely loved The Way of Kings and Words of Radiance. Oathbringer on the other hand disilusioned me a little. As a result, I went into Rhythm of War with quite a portion of skepticism, sort of hoping that this book would be either good enough to get me fully back on board in loving this series, or be bad enough (for me) that I wouldn't feel the need to continue afterwards.
And unfortunately, it kind of ended up being neither.

The Big Picture

Before going into RoW, I read a summary of the series so far by Tor. I also read some of the fan subreddits and look at fan art on occasion, so it's not like I was completely disconnected from the world and characters since finishing Oathbringer. But holy shit there was so much stuff where I wasn't sure anymore what had happened, what had been revealed, what was relevant etc etc etc. Some of that I figured out again from context, but that sense of "wait was I supposed to know anything about that already" was a steady part of my reading experience throughout this whole book and I frankly kinda hated that.
Sanderson's tendency to have slow beginnings and insanely fast-paced and dense endings is well known, but now for the first time I really noticed how much of a disservice this pacing does to casual readers: Sure, if you've spent your days since the OB release in fan communities or have the time for a whole-ass reread of this 3000-page (and counting) series before every new volume, you'll be fine. But if you also like... read other things? Idk, maybe my memory is bad. But Rhythm of War constantly felt like it was punishing me with confusion for not being a hardcore fan.
The aforementioned problem (and my lack of desire to re-read) is of course made worse by the sheer length of these books, and with RoW I once again wonder if that length is really necessary. I didn't hate any parts of this book, but I was constantly waiting for things to really get started, even as I was already like four fifths into it. There was really no need for RoW to be the longest installment in the series so far imo.
Essentially: due to how long the books are and how many grand revelations are often cramped into the final few chapters, I never know if something I don't know is a deliberate mystery, or if it's just something that I don't remember. As a result, I just care less about many things that happen.
There is a bit of a dissonance for me between how serious and grand and epic this story often is and tries to be, and some of its downright goofy aspects such as all birds being chickens, the dialogue often being so dorky, and the weird/awkward relationship Brandon's writing has with sexuality and sensuality.

The Bits I Loved

Kaladin remains the character I care most about (Kaladin/Happiness = OTP), and RoW delivered well enough on that. Him finally forgiving himself for Tien's death was overdue, and that scene was cute
I feel like chapters got a bit shorter with more frequent PoV switches, and I was much less bothered by the interruption of the interludes this time around (did they used to be longer?), so that was a neat little improvement, a perceived one at least
The dynamic and evolution of the relationship between Navani and Raboniel was really well done. The "grudging allies in science" vibe worked for me, as did the eventual revelation that Raboniel lied a lot about all that right down to their final moments where Navani does a mercy killing. Generally, I found the character archetype of "immortal who's seen too much shit and just wants this crap to be over with" worked well.
Similarly, I enjoyed the dynamic between Kaladin and Leshwi
By the end of Oathbringer, I really loved the idea that Adolin seemed to be in the process of getting his dead shardblade back to life, and RoW delivered some nice payoff on that, with Maya speaking out for herself in the trial.
I like the idea that if Dalinar loses against Odium, he'll become a Fused and basically travel the Cosmere in Odium's employ. That would be so fucked up I kind of want it to happen.
I liked the conclusion of Shallan's arc, her letting go of Veil and remembering/finding out that she killed her first spren.
Speaking of which, the fact that the book ends with the contest of champions being only 10 days away has some implications for the pacing of the next book that I like. Book 5 will have more stuff going on from page 1 if this ending is any indication.
I don't alway love the Cosmere tie-ins and references but I had a few neat little moments of "ooh, I get what this is" this time around: Some of the epigraphs being written by Harmony/Sazed, I think and Shallan finding a Seon from Elantris.
Kaladin's breaking down after being relieved of duty and Adolin's insistence to pick him back up is precious as fuck, and I loved the scene of the three of them hanging out in the tavern. ~~^Brandon ^gimme ^OT3 ^pls~~

The Petty Complaints

Just some venting and complaining about things I didn't like. This also includes aspects that I was confused about / did not remember from previous books due to the issues mentioned above.

I am annoyed that the idea that Shallan would somehow abandon/betray the Radiants and fully join the ghostbloods was entertained as a serious option. I absolutely did not buy it and as a result the whole plot of her hiding her espionage and keeping all those secrets felt incredibly drawn out. I think in retrospect, this has been an issue ever since WoR tbh.
On a related note: The fact that the ghostbloods are referred to as 'one of the most powerful organizations in the Cosmere' just strikes me as goofy. They're so cliché I can't take them seriously, like if these guys are among the best the Cosmere has to offer that does not bode well imo.
I absolutely hated the Pattern being a traitor and leaking information to Mraize fake out. Ending a part on a cliffhanger with that implication and then leaving those characters alone for a fifth of the book only to return to them and be like "whoopsie that was a misunderstanding here's an explanation you couldn't have guessed that fixes everything" is so fucking frustrating as a reader. That's not clever, that's just cheap. Shallan's character arch in the book was satisfying imo, but this whole espionage subplot is one of those things that could easily have been half as long.
I had no idea what Venli's whole deal was at the beginning, and I flat out could not keep my memories of her and Eshonai in previous books apart. I remembered their names and some of their roles but I could not tell you a single thing Venli had done in Oathbringer. Ended up liking her arc all in all but there was a lot of "what's going on even" for like the first half. Yes that includes the flashbacks.
Why bother using "malen" and "femalen" as special made up gender words for the Singers/Listeners/Fused when it's exactly the same gender binary that humans have but now with an n at the end. That's so pointless. Especially since the term "femalen" then sometimes gets used in the was you wouldn't use "a female" but as "a woman" which just makes it sound fucking awkward.
Mate-form listeners being displayed as those silly hormonal goofbags is once again, such a weird take on sexuality
I feel like I should give a shit about what heralds do, who each one is and what their goals are etc etc, but boy do I simply... not. Never have.
That Rlain becomes a truthwatcher in a throwaway line because Renarin said so(?) is another of these things that just does not have room to breathe or sink in because it's cramped into the ending.
Ok this one is really petty but: Early on there was one conversation between Kaladin, Syl and Rlain that was about like... Rlain's reception in the tower. And it just felt hella cheap to have that there because that was obviously a conversation that would realistically have taken place literally any time in the year between books. Felt clumsy as hell.

Conclusion

Okay I'll stop here. If this post gets any longer I'll no longer be allowed to complain about Brandon's pacing. If you want a look at my full notes for some reason, I've uploaded them here.
By the end of this book, I was invested (lol geddit) in world and characters enough again that I actually took some notes on what happened at the end simply so that I could consult them before reading the next one, when it comes out in three years. There are still aspects of this series that I love and appreciate. But oof do my complaints grow with each volume.
I feel like to a lot of die-hard Stormlight fans, many of my issues will be completely unrelatable, especially the ones about book length and not remembering what happened. I just think that if Brandon continues to cater to that core fan base, the books will grow less and less accessible for anyone else.
Thank you for reading. The rest of my reviews can be found here.

Update- My(44m) Wife(41f) was recently contacted by her ex-boyfriend/cowriter(36m) and I've grown a bit nervous.

I am in my early 30s, make $75k a year ($120k joint), live in the South, work as a Development Director, and hate capitalism but love a little luxury!

Edited to remove the tables because when I obsessively checked this post on my phone I couldn't read them?? Also I tried to, but was prevented from, editing the title. I know it looks sanctimonious but that's just one small part of my personality I swear. D:
❤️ Section 1: Assets and Debt
Total Net Worth: $30,875 - all equity.
Retirement Balance: $0 for me; $20,500 for my husband in the state pension program for teachers. (My partner, L, has been paying into the state teachers' pension system for 5 years. For most of my 20s, I either worked at very low-paying jobs, or supported myself and others on a teacher’s salary, so no retirement for me. My current job does not have a retirement program, but one of my goals for this year is to either start a Roth IRA or get a new job with a 401k match… or maybe both?)
Savings Account Balance: $23,733 We’re moving this summer to a city closer to our families, and are saving all we can for a down payment on a dreamy spot. After we move, some amount of what’s left over will go into a retirement fund, and the rest will stay in this HYSA as our emergency fund. For us, three months of expenses, including childcare, is about $18,000.
Checking Account Balance: $455
Credit Card Debt: n/a, pay off each month
Student Loan Debt: $80,000 for L’s undergrad and MAT. $18,000 for my undergrad and (unfinished) MAT. (My undergrad degrees were mostly covered by the Pell Grant, scholarships, and a $10,000 529 from my parents. L was a nontraditional student - didn’t start undergrad until he was 24 - so none of his was covered. Most of my debt is for a MAT program I dropped out of after one year. I was trying to find any way out of teaching at the time (it is demanding, all-consuming, and carceral at once) and thought a PhD would be my only route. When I got my current job I promptly left the program and any dreams of a PhD behind.)
Equity: $83,875 (This number is from an online equity calculator, and is for our house in a very popular neighborhood in a very popular city. Our outstanding debt on the house is $295,000. We put our whole savings down in 2019, which was $9,000 at the time.)
❤️ Section 2: Income
Monthly Take Home: My base pay is $65,000, and L’s is $45,000. I worked a side gig last year that totaled about $10k in additional compensation; all of it went to savings so we don't budget for it. My take home is $4096/month for my full time job, and my current side gig income (grant writing) is variable, between $300 and $600 a month. L’s take home is $2262/month. My health insurance is paid in full by work. L’s insurance and B’s come out of L’s paycheck, as does L’s retirement contribution.
Income Progression: I’ve been working since I was 15 years old, moved out for college at 18, and paid my own bills starting that year. I won’t include that money here though (it was like $12,000 a year as a college student, for reference). Income below starts when I graduated with two BAs that had nothing to do with teaching.
Year 1: $15,600 (part time ABA therapist, full time baby anarchist)
Year 2: $32,000 (year 1 teacher salary: I accepted a spot in Teach for America for this giant salary even though I thought it was an obnoxious neoliberal org. Yes, I was also obnoxious at the time.)
Year 3: $33,000 (teacher, step increase)
Year 4: $34,000 (teacher, step increase)
Year 5: $35,000 (teacher, step increase)
Year 6: $15,000 (community organizer; at the time this felt like a dream job)
Year 7: $20,000 (community organizer & cafe worker)
Year 8: $40,000 (back to teaching, felt rich; this includes a side hustle writing grants on the side for $50 an hour)
Year 9: $45,000 (left teaching for my current job, quit the grants side hustle)
Year 10: $55,000 (got a raise, got pregnant)
Year 11: $65,000 (got a raise and promotion, had a baby)
Year 12: $75,000 (was promoted again in January but waiting on the pay increase to hit, hopefully with backdating. This money diary doesn’t reflect this salary as it hasn’t been reflected in my check yet)
❤️ Section 3: Expenses
Mortgage/PMI/Insurance: $2,110
Retirement Contribution: n/a (L’s retirement is pulled out of his check before he receives it: it’s $169 a month. Right now, I don’t have a retirement contribution)
Savings Contribution: $1000 to main savings, $400 to sinking fund (This is a super aggressive goal for us and is only possible because our childcare costs are covered by work)
Debt Payments: n/a right now (We have student loans to the tune of $100k but haven’t been paying a dime since they were paused due to COVID. But then the other day I checked and saw they've gained interest? Should we be paying them then? WWJD? I legit don’t know.)
Electric: $130
Internet: $100
Cellphone: $65 (For L & I both. We are on a bigass family plan with 40 gajillion other people.)
Subscriptions: $45 ($10 Spotify; $10 Youtube music; $2.99 Apple data (Why?!); $22 NYT (for newspaper and cooking app); also have a split subscription to the New Yorker with bestie F but we paid for a yearly deal.)
Car Payment and Insurance: $150 for a car payment; $202 for insurance (Insurance covers both of our used cars and my dad’s used handicap van. Our car payment is for our used Honda. We only owe $6,850 on the car and I’m back and forth on whether to pay it off with savings)
Medical/Therapy: $0 (My therapist is $140 a session, and I just started seeing her again once a month, but this is reimbursed by work. I also get an inhaler at least twice a month - that’s reimbursed too, costs $60 total.)
Misfits Market: $120 (For a weekly box, which really helps us cut down on overall grocery cost)
Gym membership: $30 (For my intense local yoga studio’s app which is so great in the winter. We also run and bike a lot, as long as it’s warm enough)
Donations: $100 (We give monthly to our local Democratic Socialists of America; the Working Families Party; and a small, local org. I’m also on an organizing committee for that org. We’ll give them one big gift of at least $250 this year, probably in May. I support a couple organizations with grant writing and grant-finding support as much as I can, which usually amounts to a few hours a month.)
Childcare: $0 B goes to a very precious Montessori preschool, and we can walk him there. It’s pricey af ($1300/month). The other $200 is to account for some babysitting from my little sister when L or I have to work weird hours. For now, work reimburses this full amount as a COVID perk; if that changes, we will have to cut costs significantly.
House cleaner: $160 (They come twice a month and charge $80 each time.)
❤️ Section 4: Money Diary
NOTE: We are masked and afraid everywhere we go.
✨DAY 1: THURSDAY✨
4:20 am: Good morning world! I shuffle into the kitchen in my panties and my slippers to fill up the gooseneck kettle. I recently got into pour over coffee even though it’s quite a commitment. With a toddler, a full-time job, and a Libra sun, I don’t really have time for meditative morning routines. This lengthy, half-naked coffee regimen is my closest attempt. As soon as I get the coffee brewing, our 18 month old, B, starts making noise. I open the door and see he’s got his pacifier in his mouth and his pillow in his arms. He wants to lay with Dada. I help him get in the bed with my husband, L, as quietly as possible. Last week L was super sick and we thought for sure he had picked up COVID. Blessedly all of our tests came back negative, but on the heels of that, he started having major tooth pain and had to have an emergency tooth extraction, AND he got an ear infection as he was coming down from whatever virus he had. I hate it :(
I get dressed and do some chores while they snooze to ease L's morning. I start the diaper laundry (usually his job - we use cloth), put away the dishes, start the Eufy vacuum, and get B and L’s breakfasts together: sunbutter and a little bit of syrup on some banana pancakes I prepped earlier this week.
6:30 am: B and L are up! The hour before we take B to preschool is kind of a marathon. L eats with B (and supervises his syrup consumption) as I clean out some more dirty diapers, brush my teeth, make another cup of coffee, strip our sheets, spray my hair with water to refresh the curl, return a few group texts, and wash some breakfast dishes. Somewhere in here I also eat two boiled eggs with Everything But the Bagel seasoning, and a bunch of grapes.
I help L get B loaded up in the car, and just as they pull off, my parents Facetime me. They’re calling to see B but are polite enough to talk to me for a few minutes. They live a few hours away, and are divorced, but cohabitating. The full story is long and spiritual for me so I’ll spare you. Anyway, my mom and I talk for a while about this couch she thinks I should buy from one of her friends, but it’s two hours away and we’d have to rent a U-Haul, so I think we’ll pass. I do hate our current couch though. Please drop comfy toddler- and dog-friendly recommendations in the comments!
8:15 am: I set out to walk the dog and listen to the Daily’s recent update on the coronavirus. Donald G. McNeill, Jr., says we’re in this through the summer, which is a bummer on the personal and global front, but I suppose it could be worse??? Maybe?? As soon as they finish talking I switch over to You’re Wrong About. I’m deep in the Jessica Simpson series and highly recommend this pod for any other nerdy, lefty, kinda burnt out millennials, especially those of you that are queer or queer-adjacent. Once home, I take my whole operation onto the front porch to work, since the cleaner will be here soon and I don’t want to crowd her in this time of COVID. I LOVE a clean house and I love paying someone else to do the big stuff, which is a recent luxury for us.
11:00 am: I’ve been working steadily in my email and google docs for a couple hours now, and it’s COLD out here. The cleaner leaves and I am grateful to go back into the heat. I Venmo her $80 for the cleaning (included in monthly expenses). I take a break from work and check out the job boards. My current job is the best, and highest-paying, gig I’ve ever had, but I’m planning to leave some time this year for several reasons. The premier reason: I recently learned that I’m qualified for several positions that pay over $100k at similar organizations. With that kind of money we could pay off our student loans, help our families out more, make sizable donations, and L could explore a career outside of teaching without freaking about a slight cut in his pay for a few years as he finds his niche. Or - maybe he’ll get into Edtech somehow and we’ll join Resource Generation. Who knows.
12:30 pm: I have a quick break and pull together lunch: half a cheese quesadilla, a big bowl of Smitten Kitchen’s roasted tomato soup, and a LimonCello LaCroix. L is on his planning period and asks me to edit his most recent job application, and I oblige. Since we’re both job hunting, I ask him if I can buy a resume template and guide on Etsy. I have sworn off online shopping for the year to curb my impulse spending, but he says we’ll just count this one as his purchase. Great news because I hate the formatting of my resume from 2016 and don’t want to fix it myself! $9.95
3:30 pm: My Zooms are over, my inbox is at 0, and I put up my out of office message because I’m taking the day off tomorrow to work on my resume and do some things to prep our house for sale. My high-functioning anxiety created an ambitious backwards timeline for this process back in December, and that timeline currently runs my life. I work for a few more minutes to tie up loose ends, and then walk O to a nearby shop to buy my favorite candle, curbside-style. When I get there the owner gives me some percentage off because it’s slightly discolored from the sun. Huzzah! $27.25, marked down from $40
4:45 pm: My angel of a baby sister, J, who lives just a few blocks away and is in a pod with us, comes to hang out with B for an hour so L can rest. I head to my good friend D’s place for my investment overalls appointment. She's going to alter their awkward wide leg into more of a tapered, mom jean shape. I have a capsule wardrobe which means I’ll wear these babies at least once a week, and plus I get to pay my friend, so I’m fine with the extra expense. When I arrive, she and her partner have the fire pit going, and we drink a couple glasses of wine together, yet more than 6 feet apart. I learn they are planning to move to the same new city as us in the next couple of years and legit cry happy tears.
Afterwards, I head out to pick up dinner for tonight. We are getting burgers from L’s favorite place as a treat. On my way, the WOLF MOON appears over the water and my stomach does triple flips. Then I pick up our dinner: a veggie burger with eggplant jam and kale for me; a real-meat burger with mushrooms, bacon, swiss, carmelized onion, and horseradish mayo for L; and an appetizer plate with pretzels, pimento cheese, onion jam, pickles, and chips for B. Delicious and unhealthy. The total is $34.54.
6:30: Home and eating dinner. B loves his meal, especially the “chokes.” He calls pretzels “chokes” because when L first started feeding them to him, I worried aloud that he would choke every time. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how a pretzel almost took out George W. Bush. Turns out our toddler is better at chewing than George W. Bush.
After dinner, L gives B a bubble bath while I do my own, very minimal, bedtime routine. Then L and I lay down with B to put him to sleep. He has a floor bed, which is a Montessori thing I learned about on mom blogs. L is a very hot and talented woodworker, so he took my floor bed dream to the next level by building a lovely house-shaped frame. The top beam is wrapped in twinkle lights and fake ivy. It’s a nice place to sleep, and we pass out here all the time.
10:30 pm: L wakes me up and we wander to our own bed.
🌿 DAILY TOTAL: 71.74
✨ DAY 2: FRIDAY✨
4:15 am: Wake up and go look at the clock. Decide this is a silly time to get up on a day off, drink some water, and go lay back down. But once in bed all I can think about is how much I want to read the news, organize my resume, and update this money diary. This is the problem with falling asleep at toddler time. So I get up again at 4:45, make my coffee, read a New Yorker article about Biden’s pandemic response on my phone, and sit down to work on this diary.
6:00 am: L wakes up! He works on breakfast for himself and B and I start meal planning for the month. This is one of my best and most recent life hacks. I found that if I chart out our cooking, weekly takeout, and leftovers at the start of the month, we save lots of money and are so much less stressed about the labor that goes into feeding ourselves. I pull out Smitten Kitchen Every Day and use it to inspire the month’s meals. So quaint to cook from an actual BOOK.
6:45 am: B walks out of our room and announces that he drank my water off the side table. He’s so proud! And so ready to eat. While he eats breakfast, I snack on some grapes and, at B’s request, blast 7 Days A Week by They Might Be Giants. This is the consummate children’s song for any household that dreams of a self-determined world. Over the next hour I take B to school; make myself a real breakfast (a soy chorizo and egg taco); and browse TikTok. Eventually I find a series about this Gamestop situation by a smart Irish woman and L and I watch it together. When it’s over we feel like shrewd stock brokers ready to win money, and L gets to work teaching virtually.
I spend the morning painting our front door and our kitchen wall to prep our house to sell, and talking to my (other) little sister on the phone. She’s an HR person with a job that’s taken her far away from our family, and we don’t talk that often. It is so good to catch up on her life. After that I have a fun, day-off Zoom call with longtime bestie and coworker K. We drink coffee and talk about The Future.
12:30 pm: I make lunch (tomato soup with goat cheese on top, and a savory scone on the side) and get a text from another bestie, M, who offers me a little grant writing contract work this week. Yay! I love them and love working with them. Next, I order our groceries for the week. I get baking powder, eggs, cremini mushrooms, vegan sausage patties, oat milk, ginger root, shredded cheddar cheese, plantains, black beans, doggy bags, broccoli, vegan chicken strips, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, capers, ciabatta bread, grits, bananas, avocados, greek yogurt, and on impulse, a pineapple on sale (?!). Maybe B will love it. The total comes to $94.08.
1:15 pm: I do a brief power vinyasa class in B’s room and take a shower. It takes me approximately two Drake songs to shower and dry off, as I don’t have to wash my hair today and I never shave. I work on my resume until L and I leave to pick up B. On the way home we stop at the park to play, and then we all get in the car to pick up groceries.
6:30 pm: We get home later than planned and eat together: leftover tofu ramen for us and veggie lasagna for B, who is so sleepy that he hardly touches his lasagna. L gets him in the bath around 7:15 and I run through my evening routine. There’s a lot going on in the house - preschool lunch and clothes to put up, a mountain of laundry in our room, all of the groceries for the week waiting to be put away, and dinner dishes are languishing in the sink. L starts on chores while I get B dressed.
As I’m dressing B, my mom Facetimes and B shows her several of his board books. While we’re talking my dad texts me a heart emoji - he overheard B and my mom talking from his room. He lives with a disability and a painful illness, so he goes to bed very early. We hang up with my mom and record a video of B making “P” sounds and saying “I love you” to my dad, and send it over. This is the first time B’s ever said “I love you!” Huge news. We read books and fall asleep next to B.
9 pm: I wake up and nudge L but he wants to keep sleeping. I go clean the dinner dishes, put away the food and reorganize the cabinets and fridge, and mop the kitchen floor while I listen to The Daily’s latest reporting on QAnon believers who are at once totally bananagrams and also remind me very much of my aunt. L wakes up at 9:30 because he and Y, my sister’s boyfriend, are gonna game. Cute! He finishes the laundry and I fold a few diapers to help out. Then we lay in bed together until game time, when I fall asleep.
🌿 DAILY TOTAL: 94.08
✨DAY 3: SATURDAY✨
5:40 am: Wake up at a ~*~weekend hour~*~!! Start my kettle, clean and moisturize my face, pull out the ingredients for waffles, and pick up around the house while I wait for it to boil. I try to read some, but get bored a few pages in. I’m currently reading How to Do Nothing and it’s good enough, but I think I need to chill on the nonfiction and read, like, saucy romance novels with hot bisexual leads. Send me your recs please!
Waffle time! This recipe is my go-to. I recommend whipping the egg whites first. B wakes up around 7:15 and helps me cook which is cute and very messy. He eats his waffle with honey, peanut butter, and grapes. L wakes up after him - he had a late night gaming!
8 am: I open yesterday’s mail and find an anti-abortion DVD from L’s grandma. It’s Abby Johnson’s “memoir.” Abby Johnson is an opportunistic right winger and documented liar who once moonlighted as a Planned Parenthood clinic manager. L is a preacher’s kid, so we’re not surprised to receive this from his grandma. For example: 10 years ago, when L and I were a couple years into our relationship, her Christmas gift to me was a book about how one can recover from being a slut by getting married and finding Jesus. This particular package really sends me over the edge, though. I decide to write them a short note later that states my own experience with abortion and sets a clear boundary on this kind of propaganda, and includes an article about Abby Johnson’s bullshit life. It’s unlikely this will change their minds - they are septuagenarian Southern Baptists, after all - but at least I’ll be in my integrity.
In the meantime, I group text L’s siblings, and they commiserate with us. His one sibling who is transitioning shares that grandma recently sent them a book about how to tell your gay friends they’re sinning. We agree that’s hilariously dense (and fucking rude) of her, and talk about how everyone under forty is a gay slut living their best life, so really it’s grandma’s loss. During this time I clean the kitchen, finish the waffles, and freeze them for B’s weekday breakfasts.
9:30 am: B asks to use the potty and does a great job peeing on his own! He’s geeked about it and is especially excited to have my parents on Facetime cheering him on. After that we head out on our morning walk. L takes B to the playground and I take O to the dog park nearby. She gets tired pretty quick and we all head to the thrift store. We need chairs for our hand-me-down kitchen table. The ones that came with it are awkwardly wide. L spots two sturdy ones that are just $5 each. Score! $10
11:30 am: B and L are both wiped out once we get home. They eat lunch and go to sleep. I clean up the kitchen, repot one of my plants, water our porch plants, and eat some leftover ramen for lunch. The Marie Antoinette episode of You’re Wrong About keeps me company all the while. 10/10 would recommend.
2 pm: B wakes up and eats some lunch. We watercolor together for a while (he on his big paper, I in my bullet journal), then walk down the street to the local high school while L preps potatoes for our fondue. The high school grounds are open on the weekends, and there’s an amphitheatre on site. B loves the echo in there.
4:30 pm: L joins us in the amphitheatre and together we drag B two blocks back home. I prep the fondue: brie, gouda, and more gouda with white wine. It ends up being a little clumpy but so delicious. My sister, J, and her boyfriend, Y arrive while I’m cooking. Y brings yummy baguettes from his bakery job for the dipping and we prep broccoli, green beans, and tempeh too. We sit down in our new chairs to eat and for the zillionth time I am so thankful we’ve been able to make a pod together this year. Fondue would be a terrifying proposition with anyone else, really.
While we eat, Y tells us he put in his two weeks at the bakery because their COVID protocols aren’t so tight and his coworkers are continuing to go to bars and out to eat. His plan for now is to get back on unemployment and find a virtual job sometime soon. Both he and my sister have worked food service their whole adult lives so the pandemic has been tough on them. Besides the fact that they’re delightful and perfect, this is one key reason we’re planning to move with them to our new city this summer: L and I will be able to easily afford the majority of the rent, deposits, and utilities on a pretty big, and centrally located, house. Living together will allow us to grow our savings and take our time looking for a Forever Home, and will allow J and Y to pay really low rent as my sister goes back to school full time and Y looks for a full-time job. I’m really looking forward to living with them and know it’ll be good for B, too. They leave around 7 pm and we put B to bed, this time without falling asleep ourselves!
8:30 pm: Turn on How I Met Your Mother in bed and the episodes are baaaaad bad. One entire episode casts sex workers as a punch line. Ick. L and I agree to find a new show, and fall asleep around 10.
11 pm - 2 am: B is up and between our two beds. Wahhhh.
🌿 DAILY TOTAL: 10
✨DAY 4: SUNDAY✨
6 am: Up and at ‘em! Discover I’m out of my fancy coffee and don’t want to emphasize the flavor of our grocery store beans with a slow pour, so make a french press instead. B wakes up too early so we watch toddlers together on TikTok while I drink my coffee, then read books while L makes us all eggs for breakfast. We head out for our morning walk around 9 am and stop at a coffee shop a few blocks away. I pick up Counter Culture’s Iridescent beans, buy an espresso brownie on a whim, and tip the cashier because she’s so sweet and tipping is good. The total is 23.03. L takes B to the playground and I drop my purchases and O back at the house before I head out for a run.
9:45 am: It’s 65 degrees and my run is glorious. I run to the water and pause Lil Yachty for a minute to take it all in. Once home I shower and put on a black LA Apparel catsuit and a marled black and white cocoon sweater from AA of the past (I like what I like!). We feed B lunch and then L puts him down while I clean up.
Around 11:30, J comes over after to watch B while we remove the storm windows from our whole house and clean the windows underneath as part of our work to prep the house for sale. We’re a solid team: L removes the storm windows and caulks all the gaps in the wood while I follow behind him and wash the windows inside and out. Our sweet neighbor catches us cleaning and offers to let us use her power washer for free next weekend to clean up the front of the house. I resolve to bake them some cookies.
2:30 pm: We are done with the window operation and it’s time for me to water all 57 plants in the house. Along the way, discover that I overwatered B’s hoya last week and it’s rotting. Noooo! I unpot it on the porch to dry the roots, but it’s raining so this might not work. There’s only one surefire solution: buy a replacement plant! I try to convince L we should go to the nursery, but he’s not so into it. I walk around dejectedly with a towel to clean up all the water I spilled, and Zelle J $70 for babysitting even though she insists she would do it for free. Next B, L, and I share a snack: crackers with goat cheese and harissa. Mmm. B skips the harissa but loves the goat cheese. Meanwhile I begin to stress about making dinner. We’d planned goddess bowls but L and I just aren’t feeling it after our marathon of house work. L requests Chinese and is suddenly more amenable to visiting the nursery, which is near our favorite Chinese takeout spot. Score!
5:00 pm: We leave the plant shop with a heartleaf philodendron for B’s room and a giant, lovely, perfect monstera deliciosa just because. The total comes to $53.24. Then we pick up our food: $33.08 including the tip. L ordered a large veggie lo mein to share with B and General Tso’s chicken, and I got family style tofu and vegetables. We start B’s bedtime routine at 6:30 and he’s out by 7:00 - early for him!
After he’s down, L preps his breakfast sandwiches for the week and I do some dishes. Then we take mutual advantage of the extra hour we have together. Even after 12 years it’s always so good with L. I fall asleep around 10 pm feeling blessed.
🌿 Daily total: 179.32
✨DAY 5: MONDAY✨
5 am: I make my pour over and get started on work first thing. I have a couple of deadlines this week and the side gig to balance so I’m already feeling pressed for time! I wrap up an entire grant report before 6 am and feel very accomplished. Then I pause work to start our breakfast, which is all pre-prepped, hallelujah. While L and B eat breakfast, I get dressed in a black turtleneck minidress, busted old tights, black ankle socks, and my Doc Martens.
I help L load up the car with B and all his gear, and tell L to be careful. Today is L’s first day back teaching in person since December, and we’re both nervous since COVID is still running wild in our red state. On the way to work he fills up his car for $18.33.
2:30 pm: After another grant report, seventy gajillion emails, forty Slack messages, and several hours of Zoom calls, I’m ready for a break. I finish eating the quinoa salad I prepped during Zoom call #2 and then eat a pear too. I see our Misfits box has been delivered. It’s $30 a week, and is included in our monthly expenses. I unpack it, clean the counters, wipe down the bathroom sinks, take O for a walk, and sit down to work on my side gig grant report, which is due Wednesday. I set a 30 minute timer because I don’t want to be too late picking up B.
4:25 pm: Worked longer than I meant to! Pack some snacks and pick up B. On the way home we get a giant bag of potting soil so I can repot those plants. It’s $18.52. Come home and engage in B’s favorite winter activity: pressing all the buttons in the turned-off car. Meanwhile, in another car across town, L picks up a big bag of Purina One, butter, maple syrup, and applesauce. That total is $28.64.
5:30 pm: The whole family is home and we kick it inside until it starts to get dark. L and I gather all the things and take the creatures out for a walk even though there’s a light, but very cold, rain happening. B is cranky and so are we, so the walk is quick.
We eat leftover Chinese food around 7 and start B’s bedtime routine. B falls asleep at 8 and I update this diary for a while, then go watch Ted Lasso in bed with L til about 9:30. It’s much better than How I Met Your Mother, for the record.
🌿 DAILY TOTAL: 65.51
✨Day 6: TUESDAY✨
3 am: B wakes up and needs a diaper change. I have the hardest time falling back asleep after: I can’t stop thinking about how I left B’s hoya out in the cold with its roots exposed most of the day yesterday and into tonight. But it’s too cold for me to get up again and pull it inside! So instead I toss and turn and hope it’s not dead yet.
6 am: L’s alarm wakes me up! No early morning reading and writing time for me. I get right up, make a giant pour over, and get breakfast together while L wakes up B. Then I actually sit down with them to eat: B and I both eat boiled eggs with everything but the bagel seasoning and some coconut milk yogurt, and L sips his coffee while his breakfast sandwich heats in the oven. I get dressed in my workout gear and walk the dog while L gets B ready for school. They leave, and I finally bring the hoya in, and start work, around 7:30. L buys coffee and snacks from the gas station on his way to work: $6.88.
9:30 am: I grab some crackers and peanut butter from the kitchen and notice a DMV bill on the fridge I’ve been meaning to pay, but don’t totally understand. I call them up and respond to emails while I sit on hold. Turns out I owe the DMV $10 for paying my Dad’s van insurance late. With the “processing fee” it comes to $11.17.
1:30 pm: Been on Zoom calls all morning, and decide to switch over to the side gig work for a bit. Meanwhile I eat that quinoa salad I prepped yesterday. At 2 pm, my longtime bestie and neighbor F comes over and we take O for a walk in the park together and have such a good conversation. While the context is (very) different, I’m reminded of the Toni Morrison quote when I think of F: “She’s a friend of my mind.” Such a gem, and such a smartie. At 3:30 I start a HIIT yoga class and it kicks my butt even though it’s only 20 minutes long. Afterwards, I shower and pick up B.
5:00 pm: L arrives home while B and I are playing, and we get in the car once more to check out a cute couch L scoped out on Facebook marketplace. It’s a sweet vintage brown velvet actually-for-real midcentury situation. Unfortunately we discover it’s also small and very uncomfortable. $200 not spent. Once home, my family goes for a walk and I make dinner - this grits and beans recipe from NYT cooking. It’s blessedly quick to pull together. Meanwhile D texts me and says my overalls are ready! YAY! She’s gonna drop them off in a couple of days. She says the total is $30. I include a tip and Venmo her $40.
7:00 pm: At bedtime, B cannot get enough of his books and we read All The World several times. He finally falls asleep around 8:20 and L and I eat dinner on the couch, with Ted Lasso. I drink a glass of red wine, which is a mistake: my anxiety spikes right after, my stomach hurts, and I can’t sleep. This is very upsetting as I want very much to be a wine mom. Does this happen to anyone else?
🌿 DAILY TOTAL: 58.05
✨DAY 7: WEDNESDAY✨
5:45 am: Wake up with B cuddled into my back - L moved him to our bed in the middle of the night after his second wake up. Get my coffee and breakfast together and sit down at my computer to work on the side gig grant while everyone's asleep. Then L and I manage the morning rush together. I eat sourdough toast, two scrambled eggs, and some pineapple along the way.
7:30 am: Take O out for a walk and on a whim decide to listen to one of my favorite easy-listening pods: A Beautiful Mess. Normally the two sisters and co-hosts, Elsie and Emma, chat about things like home decor or craft making or how to balance kids and work. This episode is about the host’s evangelical upbringing, though, and is a real raw and honest tear jerker. Pair it with this, one of my top reads of 2020: “What Does the White Evangelical Want?” It gets me thinking about L’s upbringing in the church. He and all his siblings are all agnostic now.
Finally sit down at my desk and debate taking Adderall. I used it regularly in college and for a few years after in order to Do All The Things. I try to stay away from it now - I’m not trying to live an impossible life any more - but I also really want to pick B up earlier than normal today, and that means I need to meet all my deadlines and make it through two Zoom calls with my direct reports by 3 pm. I decide to take 4 mg. Right after I take it, three different friends text me at once and then, suddenly, I’ve spent an hour catching up via text. Get to work for real around 9 am.
3:00 pm: Wrapped all my calls, answered all my emails, washed all the dishes, ate some lunch, and finished the side gig work! OK Adderall, you beautiful bitch. Spend a few more minutes tying up loose ends and then gather my things to pick B up from school. The plan today is to go “play basketball” in the park near his school because he is OBSESSED with balls, and I’m trying to do more magical things every day with him. It’s cold but I’m ready to brave it on his precious, curly-headed behalf.
At 4 pm J calls and asks to go pick him up with me. Hooray, things just got even more magical! We head to a different-than-usual park together and run around until B sits in, and then drinks from, a puddle. We panic and J googles “What happens if my baby drinks from a puddle?” The search returns lots of stories of babies eating muddy rocks and surviving, so we decide it’s ok.
5:00 pm Head home and L is back from work! We take the smols on a walk and I tell L that I think nighttime screentime is making me anxious. I’m a sensitive creature and I really don’t want to blame the wine. He’s very perfect so he helps me think through an alternate plan for this evening: hot tea and book reading in bed, and maybe sex, too! Fun.
Next, I head home with O to pot the plants we bought the other day, and L takes B to the playground. They get back around 6:30 and I am very excited to reveal my new plant placements. Everyone feigns interest except O. Then we eat leftovers together and B gets in bed around 7:30. L and I promptly fall asleep next to him and don’t wake up again til 11 pm. Guess our new nighttime routine will have to wait til tomorrow!
🌿 DAILY TOTAL: 0
❤️ Section 5: TOTALS
Total Expenses: $478.71
Food & Drink: $220.25
Fun & Entertainment: $0
Home & Health: $109.01
Clothes & Beauty: $40
Transport: $29.50
Other: $79.95
❤️ Section 6: REFLECTION
This week reflects a new normal for us, I think! We just set the goal of saving up for another down payment in December, and that’s when I swore off online shopping both to save money and to stop lining the pockets of evil billionaires like Bezos (no shade to anyone who uses Amazon, this is purely a personal goal & I’m not sure I can meet it). This self-imposed rule is helping me reign in my discretionary spending overall. L and I have only been living a two-income, middle class life for a few years, and my lifestyle creep was a little out of control in 2020. That said, I can and do still regularly justify spending money on things that make life more luxurious and beautiful - like a $40 candle or a totally unnecessary but very lovely plant.
There are a couple of things not reflected in this diary that we regularly spend on: gifts (my achilles heel - for example, we spent three! thousand! dollars! on Christmas gifts in December), and medical bills. Both B and I had to visit the emergency room in 2020 and we are still getting random bills in the mail as our insurance company and the hospital duke it out. As I was editing this diary on Thursday, I received one for $787. Wahhhh. I think I’m gonna get on a payment plan, but even so that it will be over $200 a month.
Last thought: this process got me thinking in some detail about the contradiction of organizing for the fall of capitalism (and the rise of a more gentle and just economic system), yet believing everyone - including ourselves and our own families - deserve to live full and abundant lives. This means I compromise my own anti-capitalist values and beliefs every day, in big and small ways. Discuss?

Now is a great time to try (or return to) the criminally under-appreciated King's Raid! Ruby + New Hero Event + Soulstone Login Events!

My disclosures: I play King's Raid (America Server Top 300 in 2 of the 3 World Bosses), Epic Seven (Global Arena Champion), Genshin Impact (AR 47), and Honkai Impact (Lvl 57). King's Raid is my favorite game!!! If I had to drop games, King's Raid would without question be last one I hold on to.
And my disclaimers: I do not work for King's Raid, I do not own any stock in Vespa, and I have no commercial or special interests in promoting King's Raid.
Let's start with the negatives because my personal bias should already be pretty obvious to you.

What's NOT great about King's Raid?

PvP is grossly unappealing to most players. It's such a mess that the narrow group of players who do care about PvP seem to exist in a completely different world, even in relation to competitive PvE players.
Mid and late game are a long a gear grind. Personally, I don't mind this one bit and don't even agree think the grind is bad, but I would be dishonest if I didn't include a complaint that other players have. As an Epic Seven player who 3-man Autofarms Wyvern 13 all day, I have to say Epic Seven is MUCH worse (no need to even talk about Genshin...). There are NO guarantees in Epic Seven, but the endgame Technomagic Gear released in King's Raid has recently been improved so that you are guaranteed to perfect gear eventually.
Whales dominate the leaderboards. Top 100 in World Boss might be the highest you can achieve as a F2P player, and Top 100 in PvP might be out of reach for most F2P players. I got pretty close to it once as a nearly F2P, non-PvP main.
The playerbase is extremely toxic. The (optional) in-game world chat is filled with trolling and bullying of new players. The unofficial community discord is constantly active, and there's always someone available to give advice, but it isn't always delivered kindly. Thankfully, several top-ranked players and leaders of top-ranked guilds have banded together to make the King's Raid Encyclopedia discord open to all that gives you comprehensive manuals on everything you need to know. For the record, I don't know these people and have likely even butted heads with them as my post history might show, but they're doing an incredible job educating newbies and providing references for mid and late game players.
Many don't like the state of the metagame's balance. Personally, I think think the game balance is really solid compared to other games, but again I want to be as honest and transparent as possible with how the game is perceived, even if I personally disagree. Yes, a select few DPS Heroes are overwhelmingly strong and versatile right now. To do the highest stages of stuff, you need to understand mechanics and build accordingly. However, none of the content in the entire game is hard-gated behind any specific Hero, strategy, or impossible mechanic (looking at you, Epic Seven Abyss and Genshin Spiral Abyss!). EVERY game mode has multiple difficulty levels, with the some of the easiest ones being so easy you could do them without gear. The rewards are the SAME ITEMS! Just scaled down of course. You're only "behind" if you're comparing yourself to other players. Who cares if you progress 30% slower than someone else? If you were a meta player, you'd have picked a meta Hero. Besides, it's not even that bad. We have video footage of someone clearing the highest stage of Soul Weapon farming with a support as their Main DPS.
Developer communication could be better. I really wish they'd create an official community discord. They do give bi-weekly updates and a monthly Developer Talk but have room for improvement in making sure people see those.
Hero balance patches are scarce. I think 2020 only brought about 4 balance patches for the year (please correct me if I am wrong!), and only for a couple Heroes at a time.
Some progression paths are heavily time-gated. Everything with Soul Weapons (currently the final frontier of maxing out a Hero) and NPC Heroes takes a long time to do. It takes about 4-6 months to max out your Main DPS's Soul Weapon F2P.
App crashes. Apparently the game is poorly optimized, keeping a lot of old data with each update. Most players (including myself until a month ago!) don't know that you can clear the cache and re-install the app and virtually eliminate the problem completely.

What's GREAT about King's Raid?

No Hero gacha. Every Hero, except for a special class of 10 "NPC Heroes", can be bought with Rubies, the premium currency. 14 Heroes are given to you for free (2 you can choose from a limited pool, and 1 you can choose from anyone). The best support in the game is given away for free. The early game rush hands you about 40-50k Rubies, and each Hero at most costs 6k. "NPC Heroes" can be acquired by F2P players about once every month.
No "gacha-only" weapons or gear. NONE. Every Unique Gear in the game can be obtained with tickets, which you get plenty of (I probably got around 20-30 last month). Soul Weapons are farmed. There's a gacha for gear, but it's not necessary. You could never use your daily free pull and hardly notice.
The same 3D Models in story, overworld, and combat. No sprites, no chibis, no still portraits during cutscenes. Your Heroes' presence is always felt during gameplay (and story), including voice lines in Korean, Japanese, or English.
Very F2P friendly. In addition to everything that's been said, the only competitive PvE content is World Boss, and the rewards brackets are pretty large. There is NO hard paywall in the game unless you want to push for the leaderboards! Whales only affect the Top 100, an extremely small portion of the playerbase. No matter how quickly or slowly you progress, you DO progress.
Real-time combat. You can manually cast abilities, or leave it on Auto if you're afk farming :) One of the coolest things for me is watching my team of 8 Heroes fighting together on the battlefield, supporting each other amidst all the on-screen chaos.
Live multiplayer. You can party up for any raid, and the main endgame GvG mode (Guild Conquest). PvP, as much as I hate it, is also completely live.
The most lovable Heroes you've ever met. They come alive right from the start! Everything from design, personality, and gameplay all "fit" together for a sense of identity that hits you immediately. You'll laugh and cry. I've run my guild for over 16 months, and I love asking newbies who their favorite Hero is. They almost always have an answer and have often started the game because they fell in love with a specific Hero! The cast is diverse, and there's someone for everyone.
The music!!! Wow. WOW. Check them out on Youtube or Soundcloud, even if you never end up playing. As you might know, they did a collaboration with Dreamcatcher last year.
Built-in auto-repeat, auto-battle, and dispatch. I understand this isn't for everyone. If you're looking for an AFK game, King's Raid can be that for you. If you want to be active and engaged, you can do that too.
Its heart. Disgruntled players derogatively say "Ve$pa", but as a businessman myself, I have to say their choices are filled with examples of putting love before money. It goes far beyond their marvelous generosity toward F2P players and refusal to implement Limited gacha events. Like a loving parent, partner, or friend, it's in the little things. They make a special story cutscene for every single Hero's birthday and give you a nice little reward for viewing. It's not attached to any treadmill, not forced, and not promotional. Just a generous treat for those who care, and a free reward for those who don't. For Christmas, their CEO personally writes and signs a thank-you note to the players, along with a gift. They paid for a King's Raid anime that they knew wouldn't draw many people in or be profitable but wanted another medium for their beloved Heroes to shine. Before lunchtime rewards were moved from the mail system to a more direct collection method, the server manager would always send a nice, encouraging message to the players every day. Some of them really did make my day better! Their company once famously had an office-wide debate on whether a new Hero should be wearing stockings or not. They even produced a cute April Fools' video. They put time into releasing development notes lately for how a new Hero was designed from beginning to end. It's really touched me how much they love their Heroes like children and hope that we do too.

Why is now a particularly good time to start?

Ruby Spending Event is back!. One of the top questions asked by new players is always, "What do I do with all these free Rubies they're giving me? They're burning a hole in my pocket!" The response is always, "Save them for a Ruby Spending Event." It's a huge advantage for a new player to be able to spend their first 50k (free) Rubies right away instead of waiting!
Ruby Spending Event is even better for newbies now. The 50k reward for this event was changed from a Lua's Weapon Ticket to a 2* Unique Weapon Ticket, which yes is a downgrade. However, a 2* Unique Weapon Ticket is arguably much better for a newbie's early progression curve, since getting your Main DPS's Unique Weapon to 5* is the #1 priority.
Lucikiel is here, with an Event! The long-waited new Hero comes with a New Hero Event that doubles up nicely with the Ruby Spending Event, as it allows you to double-dip and get even more mileage out of your Rubies, especially if you like Lucikiel and want to main him!
A completely free 7-day login event for Soul Weapons is coming next week! Just log in each day to claim your rewards for free.
The drop rate of Soul Weapons has just been increased! Soul Fragments are now more likely to yield Soulstones from Soul Judgement, without any drawback. You're still guaranteed one additional Soulstone every 20 pulls!
Newbie rewards are better than ever and help you catch up SO quickly. They also have special rewards for returning players, which apply to anyone who has not logged in for 14 days. What's considered the "early game" can easily be completed in a week.
It's currently a nice quiet period between story updates. The last two chapters have both ended on big cliffhangers, and we don't expect the next to come out anytime soon. Enjoy the story at your own pace without the worry of the new chapter release being spoiled for you when it comes!
They're seemingly giving out never-ending Stamina Potions following the initial complaints about Technomagic Gear. Before Technomagic Gears were released, I'd always have a solid stash of around 600 Stamina Potions that I'd use all of during Events. Since the release, I've been using Stamina Potions every day for normal farming, as many as I can without overflowing Stamina. And now I have 4,000 Stamina Potions.

Finally...

Message me if you're on the America server and need a guild! As you can see, welcoming new players and assisting with the early game experience is one of my absolute favorite parts of King's Raid. I run a multi-guild community, and we welcome anyone and everyone!
EDIT: Formatting

Still debating that FH Team? Here's Ten Talking Points to help you decide.

Hello folks! For many of us, it is Free Hit week. I've put together 10 points for consideration ahead of the deadline, with the latest information available as of Tuesday Morning, GMT. Hopefully this gives you interesting points to mull over, and you could get some additional insight from my game-by-game breakdown of GW17. . If you're wanting evidence of why I'm worth listening to, while not the most impressive compared to the big FPL names out there, I can say that I'm currently Top 200k and was Top 130k last year.

1. Don’t get fancy with your premium assets.

With a large percentage of players looking to cash in the Free Hit chip, this is not the best time to get overly ‘cute’ with your approaches. When people have carte blanche, they are going to happily pick up the KdB’s, Bruno’s and Kane’s without too much thought. While avoiding some of these for differentials might be tempting and will be incredible if you pull it off, if this backfires, it is going to hurt. A lot. Save the niche picks for your cheaper options. Which leads me to point number 2…

2. There are plenty of cheap defenders going in GW18.

Of the 10 teams who have scored the least this season, 8 of them are playing in GW18, including most of the bottom 5 (WBA are the exception.) Five of the best defences are also involved, so there’s plenty of clean sheet potential. Potential teams to target include Man City (vs. Brighton), Newcastle (vs. Sheffield United), Manchester United (vs. Burnley) and Spurs (vs. Fulham. All of those teams have defenders who are likely to start on the cheaper side. Some <=4.5 players who stand out are Holding, Mari, Clark and Yedlin. There are also (relatively) cheap options at the Manchester teams, such as Stones, Dias, Shaw, and Maguire.

3.Plenty of cheap players are out there who can act as useful bench backups (or cheap starters!)

Another way to go whole hog with premium assets can be jumping on some players who are extremely cheap, but do have the potential to put minutes on the clock as bench/11th player options, lest any of your XI gets injured last minute. Look to the likes of Mitchell (3.9, CRY), Kilman (4.1, WOL), Bryan (SHU, 3.9), Lascelles (4.2, NEW), Burn (4.2, BHA), Ampadu/Burke (4.3, SHU), Yedlin (4.3, NEW). If you want a cheap 3rd striker, there is always Brewster (SHU, 4.5), McGoldrick (SHU, 5.2) and Fabio Silva (WOL, 5.2).

4. Will Lucas be digned worthy of a start?

Looking both at this week and beyond, one of the bigger pieces of news from FA Cup weekend was the ahead of schedule return of Lucas Digne. Everton have missed having him, particularly on an attacking front - he’s a brilliant crosser and a key part of Everton’s slew of aerial goals. Although DCL is ruled out against Wolves, I would not be surprised to see an up-turn in his fortunes once Digne is back in the frame. It’s not just about crosses either - Everton have only conceded five goals in the last seven games, with three CS - you’d assume that it might get even better when he’s back. Just be wary if he is eased in, or rested for the next week or two.

5. Are the Blades bad enough for Newcastle defenders?

Sheffield United are terrible. We all know this. They’ve been a good team for a clean sheet ‘banker’ for the opponents this year so far and have blanked in 10 games. Given Newcastle are a somewhat defensive team, is it worth a punt to take on a cheap defender from that team? They’ve only kept clean sheets twice all season, but if you’re looking for a potential cheaper differential, are they the one to look at?

6. Will Kane and Son thrive against a Fulham team in flux?

Fulham, to their credit, have been an improving team after a pretty dire start, and their defense has been bolstered since leaning more towards the the A-Star back line based around Areola, Aina, Andersen, Adarabioyo and Antonee (Robinson.). Having emerged creditably of a run of six games that included LEI, LIV and MCI with only 5 goals shipped and two CS, the signs of improvement are there. However. They’ve since had a COVID outbreak and have had to deal with this game being forced on them with a few days notice. Spurs meanwhile, got to rest their best players at the weekend. Kane and Son might enjoy themselves here after a break, still being in a strong run of form, especially with word that Fulham will be missing some key players who are still unwell. Mitrovic is still struggling - so maybe there is value to looking at Lloris and Reguillon at the back, too.

7. Man City provide plenty of options, but many of them are unclear.

Man City have a fairly good match on paper - Brighton, while good and able to put in a performance, are coming off a 120 minute game for some key players (March, Dunk, White, Gross, Bissouma, Maupay). The question is Man City. Who’s still recovering from Covid? Is Sterling fit to start? Would you double-up on Defense and just pick one attacker? If so, de Bruyne seems like a fairly obvious choice. If there’s a need to have multiple attackers though, Mahrez is not returning consistently, Foden could be, but isn’t guaranteed to start by any stretch and while raising eyebrows, Gundogan is hardly prolific for attacking results. Brighton have shipped 3 goals to strong teams this season. I’d be inclined to slam down KdB and look for their more attacking minded defenders.

8. If you don’t look at Arsenal, you’re gunner regret it.

If you’ve read my game-by-game breakdowns, I have been extolling the potential in cheap Arsenal assets. Recent starts and strong performances by Kieran Tierney, Emile Smith-Rowe, Bukayo Saka, Rob Holding and Pablo Mari in conjunction with a fixture against mid-table Palace means there could be good value with everybody listed under 5.5m. Another interesting option if you’re struggling for FWD firepower might be Alexandre Lacazette. After a long lull from his early season form, he’s scored 4 in the last 3. I would probably go to him ahead of Aubameyang, given the latter’s issues finding the net at a 11.3 price tag.

9. Depressing as it is, Covid is still a factor.

A large amount of positive tests came back today, although no signs yet of a further cancellation coming - but given we’re spread out until Thursday, don’t rule it out. Even if you’re free hitting this week, don’t get set until the deadline, and have bench options that play or could get sub minutes. Further to this, for those of you not UK based, our pandemic situation is worsening, and news agencies are reporting that the PL is on its ‘last chance’ with the government. Regardless of chip strategy, save it as late as you can. There’s plenty of examples of last minute issues cropping up. Let’s not get caught out once more, eh?

10. Who’s the Keeper?

This is a strange week for goalies. Looking at the matches, you’d maybe expect clean sheets to be likely for United, Man City or Spurs - but that’s quite expensive. Burnley, Fulham, Brighton and Palace seem risky, although Guaita often earns save points. Newcastle would have been an interesting one, but Steve Bruce has suggested that Dubravka might get the start. Wolves and Everton are both lacking firepower due to injuries, but do you trust Jordan Pickford? Rui Paticio might be a keen one. I think some interesting options could be Bernd Leno vs. Palace, Ramsdale vs. Newcastle (if you can dodge a Callum Wilson bullet) or, going back to Newcastle - take both keepers instead of a 4.0, guaranteeing one of them will start.
I hope this was useful and helps you form your line-ups for the week, whether you’re free hitting or saving it for later. I tweet occasionally at @FPLQuixote and will be writing up my game-by-game breakdown ahead of GW19. Good luck out there.

Small galaxy part 6

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Galactic Standard date: Year 11356 Day, 86. Sol Standard date: 3/29/3267
Catherine Dulacy was trying to be on her best behavior as she gave the three Atteni ambassadors a tour of the Amaryllis. After leaving decon chamber the first place on the list was the mess hall. As she led the Atteni through the massive halls of her cargo ship she noticed that So'Ran was fidgeting an awful lot and was immediately beside herself with worry. " Um... So'Ran? are you ok?" she asked.
So'Ran blushed in embarrassment as he hadn't realized he had been fidgeting like an over excited child. Though he was closer now in body to being a child than he had thought to be ever possible. He took this as an opportunity to ask, " W-Well i was wondering what exactly happened in the "decontamination" chamber. After all I've clearly dropped in age by a hundred years give or take." he asked sheepishly.
Catherine stopped as she considered it before shrugging her shoulders and happily chirping out a " No clue hun! Our lead engineer is a real smart cookie though so we can probably just ask him! He's off duty right now so he's likely sleeping, lucky for you his room is a couple of blocks from the mess hall so we can visit him and then get some grub!" she said, happy as a newly wed.
Valthan's ears flicked at the mention of an engineering god. " Excuse me captain Dulacy, tell me about this engineer you spoke of please. I am quite interested in learning from his lordship." he said.
Catherine cocked her head at the "his lordship" but brushed it off as him being a bit overly formal. " You aint gotta be so formal with me hun, you're WAYYYY to adorable for that kind of talk. Though i suppose i can tell you what i know, he keeps to himself and his team mostly so i pretty much only know his resume. As for that, his name is Jason Linford, he is now 358 years old and managed several tours as a non combat engineer in the fight against the Dimensional horrors we've been fighting for the last 900 or so years, his job was repair and refit of well, pretty much everything and everyone. He was an Imperium jack of all trades engineer. That's why i hired him. He would assuredly need little to no training and what little he might need he would pick up in no time at all." she said.
The three Atteni were trying to take in all of the information she had just casually dropped and each of the three ended up trying to ask questions at the same time causing Catherine to kneel down and try to calm the small aliens enough to get a clear question from one. " Hold on there y'all ill answer one question per mouse in a rotation." she said. With a mischievous look in her eyes and an ever widening smile she said, " i know exactly how to make it as fair as possible! you three can play rock, paper, scissors!" she then explained the rules to the game and watched with glee as the tiny hands went into place and Valenthi announced the start. " Rock, paper, scissors, shoot." she said. Valenthi threw Rock, So'Ran threw scissors, and Valthan had thrown rock as well. It was down to Valenthi and Valthan now. "Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" Valenthi yelled as she thrust out a tiny pair of scissor fingers to meet Valthans flimsy paper hand.
Valenthi pumped her fist and turned to ask Catherine her question only to see a hand inches away from the top of her head. " Wha-!" she yelped as the hand made contact with her head and started massaging between her ears. Valenthi's eyes crossed and she melted into a puddle as Catherine scooped her up and started giving her more head scritches. All of her worries were suddenly so far away, she could hear Catherine calling her adorable, and cute among other things that were lost in the blissful massage while being held so close to the warm chest of the giant. She could hear the gigantic thumping of Catherine's heart and it was the most comforting sound she had ever heard, then Catherine set her back down onto the deck breaking her from her reverie and asked her what her question was.
Valenthi looked around in shock at just how at peace she had been while being held and petted like a wild animal, then she thought about how much colder it was away from Catherine when the question finally hit her. " Wha- wait what? my question about what? and what was that? What did you just do to me? It felt amazing..." she said with a wonderous look in her eyes.
Catherine froze at her questioning. She was supposed to be on her best behavior, but she couldn't help herself. The tiny hands playing rock paper scissors had just been too adorable, and then they got into a really heated battle in it, and then the tiny mouse looked so happy with her victory that i just couldn't help myself. she thought. " I...i uh.. well I'm sorry but you looked so adorable and i wanted to reward you for your victory so i kinda couldn't help but give you scritches... sorry...." she said looking for all the world like she had just committed an unforgivable sin.

Valenthi just smiled a happy smile and said, " Its fine Miss Dulacy. I don't know why but it was really comforting when you did that, i was so at peace. It was like all of my problems had disappeared... But i still have to ask my first big question. You said that the Imperium was at war with something you called a "dimensional horror" for around 900 years. So what exactly are these dimensional horrors that have been able to keep fighting you for 900 years despite your incredibly advanced technology?
Catherine face palmed herself at that. The Azarians were probably not supposed to be revealed in the first five minutes of first contact. The her face got deadly serious. " They are called the Azarians as some general decided they needed a name that was shorter than " dimensional horror". We have been beating their lines back for the last 427 years but the first couple of centuries were pretty horrifying. As the name suggests, they aren't from our dimension, and well, they're pretty horrifying to look at. They are on average around 31 feet tall and another 17 in width. That's just the main body of it but it has a mass of on average 78 feeder tentacles that are barbed and poisonous so as to catch and kill whatever the tentacle may pass before bringing it to its giant fanged maw. These usually reach out to a full length of 230 feet, and are fairly thin at a solid 2 foot diameter. Then another two tentacles that they attack anything that the feeder tentacles cant breach. These are called Destroyers for obvious reasons. That's enough for now, we can have a history lesson on those vile beings later if you want but they sour the mood." she said.
Valenthi was shocked beyond belief. These gods had been keeping a power capable of bridging the dimensional rifts at bay, a terrible and dark power of a size and magnitude she couldn't imagine even battle cruisers destroying, and these beings were not only holding them back, but had even pushed their lines back.
The three Atteni took some time to soak that information in before Valthan asked his question. "You said that engineer Jason was 358 years old. Is my translation correct at assuming that his age was already converted to years for my people? If so, how is he 358 years old and still alive and kicking? he asked.
Catherine just shrugged, " Translation should be fine, ships A.I. knows his stuff. Our lifespan became rather infinite barring a few of the more total deaths we can just go on forever. We cant survive being atomized but so long as there's a little left we can be brought back, young, and fresh. Getting eaten by an Azarian is another way we can die totally. That one we aren't exactly sure how to fix either. Oh by the way, I'm 1007 years old!" she said.
The three just stared open mouthed and wide eyed. and they all collectively thought. " They ARE gods."
So'Ran had the final question before they would go to meet with Jason. " How did you attain immortality?" he asked. Short and simple.
Catherine just cocked her head and let out a sigh. "Same way you three did. Again Jason can explain the light thingy better than i can. All i know is that its some sort of local time reversal that can restore your body to whatever condition it was in at the time reversals set time?" she shrugged and then added. " Meh, weird wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff." she said with a big grin and rosy red cheeks.
The three couldn't handle the shock anymore and just went into shock sleep mode, falling to the floor with three tiny *tinks* as they all hit the floor.
Catherine lost her shit and panicked.

----------LIME HAS ENDED-----------
Threw in quite a bit more than i intended to tonight, was going to get to the meet with Jason but the idea hit me for the ole rock paper scissors thing and i just had to roll with it. Got work early in the morning. About three hours earlier than normal so i had to stop here but i assure you i will get to all that tomorrow! Hope you all enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it! By the by i forgot to mention that the character Jason Linford belongs to u/BlueFishcake im a fan of his series but its a bit NSFW so if y'all aint old enough or aren't down for pancakes then hold fire.

Hunter or Huntress Chapter 77: That Can’t be Good

So then 77. Time to figure out what happened to our pretty little unicorn not so much dancing anymore. Not to mention the capital trio's game plan. Hopefully, you will enjoy it.
The editing duo has been hard at work so I can concentrate on writing, why exactly they have agreed to this I still don't know. but I certainly love it and I hope you do too. With that let's jump in to so what the fuck is going on.
ko-fi For having a pretty picture commissioned.
Sapphire
Wiki
First Previous Next
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Chapter 77: That Can’t be Good
“Hey look, Saph, they have little figurines,” Balethon said from one of the market-stands. The three of them had been browsing around for a bit looking for anything interesting. Sapphire didn’t know if she had been spoiled by Tom, but she couldn’t find much she wanted and what she did want was way too expensive. The figurines Balethon had found were rather cute though. There were dragons, unicorns, even vargulfs and a pjeltor.
Sapphire picked up the disgusting looking thing. ‘why does it have to have that many eyes? and all those legs are just unnecessary.’ All in all it gave her the creeps as she put it back. No way that thing was going on a shelf in her room.
She had settled on wanting that small painting though, but as of yet hadn’t found someone who had one she liked. She was also yet to find any books, though the lack of them at the marketplace would suggest they were well out of her price range, just as she had feared.
They had already swung by the academy to see about getting that appointment. Sapphire had been a little surprised Lady Ishani couldn't squeeze them in for another four days, but that at least gave the scouting team plenty of time to make it back.
“What about a hunting knife for Tom?” Balethon asked, having already moved on to the next stand where Dakota was, as Sapphire stood admiring the figures.
Dakota picked up one of the merchant's blades to inspect. “Shiva can make it better and cheaper,” she went, not paying the offended looking merchant any mind. “Might be back later for that though, very nice engraving,” she continued, pointing to a halberd hanging on the rear wall of the stall.
Sapphire moved over for a look. It was definitely a finely made weapon. “Think Tom could swing it?” Dakota questioned looking to Sapphire.
“Sure, he could, but would he like it?”
“Like it?!” The merchant broke out, clearly fed up with them insulting his stuff. “This here is no mere lump of metal, it’s the finest steel money can buy. No self-respecting individual wouldn’t want this by his side.”
“Still only steel though,” Dakota replied. Sapphire wasn’t sure irritating the merchant was the best strategy if Dakota wanted it, but what did she know?
“You ain’t gonna find mithril out here lassy. That stuff is locked away where it’s nice and safe. Not that you could afford such a weapon.”
“Out of curiosity, what would such a fine weapon cost me?” Okay, Sapphire guessed Dakota was actually bartering rather than just insulting the man then.
“I take twenty-five gold for a mithril blade.”
“Good to know. I might be in touch,” she went, walking off. Sapphire and Balethon turning to follow.
“What was that about?” Sapphire asked as they walked.
“We might be doing some heavy shopping. I wanna know where the good stuff is, of course, and he didn't have it.”
“What are we looking for?” Balethon asked.
“A proper mithril smith, Tom wanted some ingots for a project. And a proper mithril sword is at least fifty, and that's not even a great one.”
Sapphire and Balethon just looked at each other for a second. ‘I guess she's expecting a lot from those drawings then,’ Sapphire concluded to herself.
“Now let's have a look at the list. We need an alchemist, an inventor, quotations mark ‘not the crazy kind,’ whatever that means… paper... linseed oil, okay that should be easy… Sapphire, can you remember why he wanted porcelain clay… where do you even get that?”
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Kalestine had been given some time to come to her senses, the bleeding having been staunched and her thirst slaked. She was still clearly incredibly weak though.
“Mind telling us what’s going on?” Tom tried again.
“Went to help the cutest little deer,” Kalestine finally replied, though she appeared to be struggling quite a bit. “It was hurt and left behind… I called him Bemy. When I arrived… some big bastard thing hit me in the face and broke my beautiful horn!” She descended back into the distressed whinnying, which Tom guessed was either crying or some kind of tantrum.
“Broke your horn? Just like that?” Tom questioned incredulously. The dragonettes had told him stories of just how powerful a unicorn was supposed to be. And something just fucking broke her horn like that?!
“It’s slapped me through a tree damn you.” Yeah okay that sounded bad. “Such a fine oak too.” She continued.
‘Da fuck is wrong with you?’ Tom thought to himself. Slapped through a tree and she was more worried about the tree. Her head turned towards him as she let out a snort. ‘Oh right, sorry’
“What of the keep? Do you know if they are okay?” Zarko tried, crouching down in front of Kalestine.
“I don’t know… I can’t hear it… my beautiful forest… so silent.” god good she sounded miserable.
Tom poked Unkai and tried to convey, “The fuck does that mean?” through facial expressions. Unkai responded with a distressed-looking shrug and shake of the head.
“I think it’s the horn,” Jackalope stated, looking at the two of them. “No need to be sneaky, she can hear your thoughts.” Right, he really needed to get used to this.
“So there are bad guys around, you are very injured, and we have two keeps to scout, both quite likely in trouble. Where were you attacked?” Zarko tried again, clearly getting a little irritated by the lack of a useful response.
“I don’t know. I went blindly.”
“Like a blind jump?” Tom questioned. “You didn’t know where you were going?”
“Didn’t go far, I can’t hear the forest. I didn't know where to go.”
“Right, so they are around here somewhere. Either we hide her or we bring her, your call,” Tom went, looking to Zarko and Jarix, who had trotted up behind her.
“She needs to rest,” Unkai interjected. “I say we hide her.”
“Well, they do like to run,” Jarix added, looking down at them. Tom felt a little bit of cold indignation in the back of his mind. Kalestine didn’t say anything though.
“So do we if we find anything today, big boy,” Zarko responded. “We have work to do. Me, Tom and Jackalope will go to the keep. You two stay here with her, make her a hiding place.”
“Right let’s go then,” Jackalope went, sounding enthusiastic, though she was looking rather worriedly at Kalestine.
They had taken to the wing, Tom being juggled back and forth as per usual and ending up on Jackalope’s back as they made for the keep through the trees. It shouldn’t be far despite their unexpected early stop.
“We stick to the plan,” Tom went as they weaved effortlessly through the large trees.
“Yup. Go in on foot, let you get close enough to see things, then run like hell if they see us.”
“Right on.”
It was a few minutes before the trees began thinning out and Jackalope went in to land. Tom jumped off, giving her a knuckle knock on the shoulder for good luck. Zarko putting down beside them.
“Right then, you stay behind me 10 meters minimum but keep an eye on me. If I run, wait for me to catch up,” Tom went, looking at the two of them unslinging his rifle and making sure it was loaded. “Here we go.”
He changed his cape to get as close to the forest floor as he could get and moved crouched down low. He could hear the two dragonettes following behind him, making a lot more noise than he would have liked. He guessed they weren't really used to this sneaky thing yet. It was still a minute or two on foot to the edge of the trees where he could see through into open terrain. In front of him was a small valley. On the far side, a fair way to his left, stood a small keep.
More precisely, the ruins of a small keep. ‘Fuck me,’ he thought to himself, bringing up the rifle to have a closer look. It was a bit squatter than Bizmati Keep and slightly smaller, but definitely a keep. It looked like the walls still stood like nothing was wrong, but the stone was scorched and most of the woodwork was either gone or charred to oblivion.
As he scanned around there was no sign of life. The animal pens were empty, though most of the exterior buildings appeared unharmed. The smoke they had thought was from a chimney was trailing up from the keep itself, so something was still smoldering inside.
He sat there scanning for a minute or two without spotting anything before he brought up his hand, gesturing the girls forward. Both of them slowly making their way up to him.
“Holy shit,” Jackalope let out, trying to be hushed but failing, quite badly. Not that it mattered at this range, nor did Tom blame her.
“Not much to save there,” Zarko added, sounding a bit too indifferent for Tom's taste. That had been the home of around twenty people and kids, if Nunuk was right.
“No, there isn’t,” he retorted, in a dark tone. “There's still smoke, so it happened recently. Can’t see anything moving, so I want a closer look.”
“What if they are hiding like last time?” Jackalope questioned, clearly not too thrilled with the prospect of going inside.
“Then we flush them out. You got that grenade for a reason.” Tom went patting her on the hip.
“Let’s go get the boys, then I say we start with a fly-by, they might just come crawling out of there.” Tom didn’t like the mental picture of darklings crawling out of the burnt down keep. He had to agree that a fly-by was probably a better idea than simply walking over there though.
They had returned in silence. This was the worst-case scenario pretty much. Now only the possibility of survivors remained. Jackalope was quite on the way back, Tom did his best to give her a hug as they flew. This was bound to hit very close to home for her after all. “You okay?”
“I'm fine... this happens” Yeah she wasn’t
“It really shouldn’t”
“No, but it does” She responded coldly. Tom elected to not pursue it any further. Instead trying to imitate that nuzzling thing they did, Which did get him a sad chuckle from her as they flew.
Unkai and Jarix had managed to put together a small shelter by propping up some large branches against a tree. Kalestine had barely been able to get to her feet to walk over there, even with all of them helping her stay on her feet. She had refused the offer to have Jarix just pick her up though, so some pride remained.
“You will be okay, right?” Unkai questioned worriedly. He had asked to be left behind being denied by both Tom and Zarko. Tom was hoping Kalestine wouldn’t be his last patient today, and Zarko was worried about leading the darklings back here if they returned.
“I’ll be fine at some point, not my first injury,” Kalestine replied, seemingly a lot calmer, not to mention more respectful, towards Unkai. “But it was my first horn,” She continued, her voice cracking and switching into a kid ready to bawl. Tom was perhaps being a little hard on her; she had been messed up bad after all. If she said she would be fine then that was all he needed to hear. They had shit to do after all.
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“Sure, I have made the odd useful item here and there. Mostly I make my automatic horn polishing machines. They are all the rage these days.”
As Sapphire looked around the very empty looking shop/workshop she was currently standing in she seriously doubted that. Still, this was pretty much the only guy they had found this far with a hope in hell of making Tom’s inventions, and he was a part of the city’s engineering guild. So far they had spent pretty much the whole day going from workshop to workshop. Everyone they had found had done large scale stuff like cranes, siege engines, and construction. This guy though seemed to have a knack for small stuff.
“I also made a wind-powered rotary washing line, so it will spin round when drying inside for quicker drying.”
“Why not just put the washing outside?” Dakota question, clearly not sold on the idea.
“What if it’s raining, huh? Didn’t think of that did you?” The slightly decrepit looking older man went.
Though his appearance was messy, Sapphire didn’t get the feeling he was necessarily poor. Looking around she could see plenty of expensive things, so she guessed he was the type that put it all into his work rather than himself.
“Well, mister Tink,” Sapphire shook her head a bit, she still didn’t believe that was his actual name. He had insisted though, so fuck it. “We don’t actually want you to invent anything. We want you to make our invention. Before I show you, you will have to sign here,” she went, placing the piece of parchment on the table. “This is called a nondisclosure agreement.”
“What does that do?” Tink asked, seemingly a little unwilling to sign something he didn't know what was. ‘Has some common sense then,’ Sapphire thought to herself as she watched.
“It means you can’t go blabbing about what we are about to show you. Not that you would want to of course. You will want to keep these things between us, so you get to make them. Sanctioned by the guild of course.”
Tink picked up the quill, signing the parchment “Oh sure, nobody wants my designs anyway. They say they are too complicated to build. I say polliwog to that.” Sapphire glanced at Balethon for a second, who just shrugged clearly not knowing what that was either. “What have you got in mind for little old me?”
Sapphire looked to Dakota, who cracked a bit of a smile. “Well, mister Tink. These,” she went, pulling up the satchel and taking out the designs for the lighter, pencil, and compass. “This is a fire starter; a flick of the finger and your torch, pipe, candle, or whatever is lit. That is a writing implement that doesn't need ink, doesn't dry out, and can be kept in your pocket. And that is a small dial that always points north for navigation, using something called a naggnet,” Dakota went, standing back up crossing her arms, looking very pleased with herself.
Looking back, Sapphire should maybe have been standing by to catch the inventor as he hit the floor.
“Ooh, ouch,” Balethon went as Tink’s head bounced off the table on the way down. Sapphire just grimaced.
“My bad,” Tink junior went, walking over to his old man. The young apprentice looked to be in a lot better shape than his father, though he was still covered in a disconcerting amount of black smudges and oil. Sapphire helped to drag Tink into a chair as Junior went to get some water.
“I think that’s a sell,” Sapphire went, looking back at Dakota who looked like she felt a little bad about that.
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“Do we need the flag?” Jarix questioned as they were climbing up over the forest away from the keep. If there were enemy lookouts they didn’t want to be spotted until they had a sizable speed and altitude advantage.
“Yeah, I’ll go get it out,” Zarko replied as she clambered down the harness on to Jarix’s belly. “Got it,” she went as Tom heard the weight line drop. It was a rather simple system. A lead weight on a rope with a flag attached towards the bottom. So they now had a nice big flag fluttering in the wind beneath them. If there were friendlies down there, they wanted the flag to avoid a repeat of what had nearly happened when Lady Flaxen came in.
When the altitude was deemed sufficient, Jarix swung around still climbing, heading towards the keep. They would come diving down on top of it, hopefully provoking anyone inside to give chase. They were obviously betting on the darklings being dumb enough to do so, which Zarko seemed to believe they would be. Unless someone was telling them what to do.
“What, they can’t think or what?”
“Oh, they can think alright. They just can’t disobey and order. Imagine sending a squad of soldiers out for a week with only one set of orders. You are gonna make them pretty broad, aren’t you?”
“I’m mean sure.”
“So if they have been told to defend the keep, they will come after us if they think we are a threat to the keep,” she stated, clearly finding it obvious.
“Boom time?” Jarix questioned excitedly.
“Just don’t hit the keep, go for the ground near it that should do,” Zarko responded. “And only a little one, save it for later might need it.”
“Roger that,” Jarix responded. Jackalope poked Tom on the shoulder as she leaned over.
“What was it like to be on him when he did it last time?”
“It made the hair on my neck stand on end,” Tom responded, not figuring out the problem until he saw Jackalope's slightly confused expression. Then she grabbed him, bending him over forward to inspect the back of his neck.
“Ohhh, they’re so cute! Look Zarko, he has like little baby hairs back here.” Tom wasn’t entirely sure how best to react to this situation, so he just went with it. Her stroking the back of his neck was actually kinda nice, even if his current position was a little uncomfortable.
“Sure do,” he responded, accepting his fate. It almost reminded him of when he had first come here and they had taken turns to play with his hair.
Unkai had then come over to join in, which was a little less okay with Tom.
“What are those for?” The healer questioned. Tom sat back up. “No clue, but they can feel when there is electricity in the air, so that’s cool.”
“Wait, didn’t you say electricity was just weak lightning?” Jackalope questioned.
“Yupp.”
“You can feel lightning?” Zarko questioned. “Not just hear it?”
“Yes, I feel it all over. Neck hairs are just the most sensitive.”
“You are fucking strange you know that, right?” Zarko continued.
“He’s awesome, you’re just jealous,” Jackalope responded, clasping her arms around Tom, dragging him into an embrace.
“Nah, girl, you do you. Ready to dive yet, big boy?”
“Sure this should do, hang on.”
Well, for once Tom felt very secure as Jackalope didn’t let go of him, her feet instead clasping onto the hand… foot holds?... Handles. Clasping onto the handles. The dive wasn’t anywhere near as steep as what they had done before. Jarix did pick up a considerable amount of speed though. Tom made sure to tighten his goggles, just in case. Tom was almost worried Jackalope would let go to put her arms in the air. She held on tight though, perhaps a little too tight but he wasn’t complaining.
They eventually leveled out with the keep dead ahead. Tom felt the hairs on his neck and arms stand on end as the very recognizable whine of Jarix preparing to fire filled the air, followed by a sharp crack as the beam shot down towards the ground, impacting near the base of the keep in a shower of sparks and tendrils of lightning.
Jarix pulled up, going left of the keep, wingtip coming within a few meters of it. As they climbed away all looking back down towards the keep getting smaller behind them, but nothing happened.
“Well that is both good and bad,” Zarko then went. “I guess we are landing then. Go down and circle the keep for a bit, then come in for a landing. I’ll get the flag back in”
“Roger that,” Jarix replied, banking over to dive back down the way they came. As they circled the keep, there wasn’t a soul to be seen. Not even a scared animal fleeing. It was just dead. They kept circling for a few minutes, eventually setting down in a grassy meadow outside of all the smaller buildings.
“You stay at the edge, big guy, ready to go airborne right away. Tom, you stay up here,” Zarko ordered. Tom didn’t have a problem with that plan. If they needed to get out in a hurry the last thing they needed was to have him along to worry about.
“Yes ma’am. Remember Jacky, finger off the trigger till it’s time,” he went looking at Jackalope who was getting out the revolver.
“Locked and loaded,” She replied. Cheesy as that was Tom didn’t smile; this was not a funny situation. Instead, he just nodded at her. “Be careful okay, an arrow to the neck and you’re dead no matter how awesome you are.”
“I’ll be careful I promise,” she replied, jumping off.
“Do I get some words of encouragement?” Zarko questioned, clearly directing her question at Jarix.
“Uhhm... shoot first and don't get shot.”
“Thanks, big guy,” She replied, jumping off too.
“Well fuck me I guess” It came from Unkai after a bit of a wait, sounding like he was trying to seem cool.
“Good luck,” Tom went without taking his eye off the keep.
Zarko was carrying one of the crossbows, Unkai a sword and shield, and Jackalope had the revolver as well as a nasty looking warhammer by her side. All in all, they were ready for a fight, even if there were just three of them.
“Looks like we are on overwatch then, Jarix,” Tom went, getting the rifle ready.
“Good, that sounds so much cooler than lookout,” Jarix responded, walking up to the edge of the buildings.
“We aren't here to be cool. This is a grave Jarix. And a lost home.” Jarix didn’t respond, but Tom did feel the dragon sag a bit. “I’m sorry, let’s just get everyone home safe okay.”
“No, you’re right, I’m here to prevent this… not clean up the mess.”
“Hey, we didn’t know, nothing we could have done. So we go one step at a time. Right now we need to know if someone made it”
“Roger that,” Jarix replied, clearly not letting go of the notion entirely. Tom couldn’t blame him for it. At least there weren't any bodies to look at.
__________________________________________________________________________________
So.. A smashed Unicorn, A ruined keep, a crazy inventor, and big plans from Dakota. Is it all getting a bit much or is it exciting? Do let me know down below.
Until next time have an awesome day.

ko-fi For having a pretty picture commissioned.
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Popheads Album of the Year #30: Taylor Swift - Folklore

Artist: Taylor Swift
Album: folklore
Released: July 24, 2020
Label: Republic
Listen: Spotify / Apple Music / YouTube / TIDAL

Introduction

Most of you probably know who Taylor Alison Swift is, whether you voluntarily learned it or not. Born on December 13, 1989, two numbers that will come back in her music a lot, she was born in West Reading, Pennsylvania. As a young girl, she was already interested in music and singing, her parents named her after singer-songwriter James Taylor after all. She was writing songs since she was 10 years old and moved to Nashville and started performing by 11. She started recording demos and meeting with executives from her tween to early teen years. Eventually, she met Scott Borchetta, the owner of a brand new label called Big Machine Records and wanted to make Taylor the first artist signed to him, which the 14 year old agreed to.
Taylor Swift released her first studio album, Taylor Swift in 2006 at age 16. The album got small success at first, but eventually songs like ‘Teardrops on My Guitar’ became hits on the Billboard Hot 100. Her next two albums, Fearless and Speak Now, became even bigger, getting top 10 hits and the former winning the Grammy’s Album of the Year award. She made a bigger pivot to pop music instead of country as her songs were getting bigger & bigger and her fanbase was growing exceedingly fast for a country act. Her next album, Red, was an experimental album for her. It featured her first singles that were 100% pop, and some of her biggest songs yet. In 2014, she released 1989, her biggest album with 5 top 10 hits, and the album that cemented her turn into pure, sugary pop, but still didn’t compromise her sharp writing. In 2016, some phone call was released that about being a bitch or something, idk I’ve never seen the zimmerman telegram. Taylor was against Germany trying to ally with Mexico in WWI, so in 2017 she released Reputation, an album with a totally darker aesthetic and vibe than she’s ever done before… which she abandons midway through and goes back to making more synthpop cuts.

How did Taylor head into 2020?

In November 2018, Taylor left Big Machine Records. Normally, a label switch wouldn’t mean too much, but while switching, her masters were bought by Scooter Braun from Scott Borchetta, with her not even aware they were up for sale. Scooter Braun is the manager of artists like Justin Bieber, but Scooter tried to make feuds between some of his artists and Taylor, so she already had animosity towards him behind the scenes. With this acquisition, Taylor was furious. Someone who she trusted since she was a teenager working with someone who had treated her poorly for years, all behind her back. To get back at them, she has promised to record all her previous work that is now owned by Scooter. In 2019, she makes her relationship with London boy Joe Alwyn public. Getting back to the music, she not-so-subtly kills the snake and releases her 7th album, Lover. She released the lead single, ‘ME!’ to, uhh… reviews. Lover had some of her sharpest writing yet, but also some of her most childish songs as well, both covered in big pastel paints, sometimes, literally. She planned a worldwide tour, Loverfest, in 2020, but sadly that was all closed due to the COVID-19 pandemic. With Taylor spending 2020 alone in VIP, she went back to her normal, lack of social media presence ways.
Then on July 23, she shocked all of her fans.

Tracklist

the 1

The opening track of an album always needs to grab the attention of the listener. “I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit” does that job well. 'The 1' is a song that isn’t about Taylor's story, plenty of songs on 'Folklore' aren't. It’s a classic “the one that got away” story. Boy and girl meet, but they break up due to a lack of passion from the guy. However, despite what she tells herself, there’s still a big part of her thinking about what else could’ve happened had they still been together. As someone who can plot a 5 episode soap opera about me and someone hot guy who randomly shows up on my twitter feed, I can absolutely relate to daydreaming and overthinking about an unobtainable relationship about someone. She even tries to imagine him moving on to make it easier for her to move on, to no avail. A jaunty, yet melancholic, piano-driven song, it’s a lovely opener for an album that’s gonna get a lot less jaunty from here on out.
Favorite Lyrics: If one thing had been different/Would everything be different today?

cardigan

’Cardigan’ is the SMASH #1 HIT SONG that SERVED LONGEVITY! It’s also the first part of the fabled “teenage love triangle trilogy” on the album, along with ’August’ and ’Betty’. The trilogy is about 3 teenagers: Betty, James, and an unnamed 2nd girl. Betty and James were just two high schoolers in a relationship together. Yet, over the summer, James cheated on her with unnamed 2nd girl. ’Cardigan’ is the song from the point-of-view of Betty, starting off with her reminiscing about their relationship and the good days. However, on verse two and chorus two, she talks about her realization that James was *good* friends with someone else besides her, and she broke up with him. Later on, she admits to herself that she does wonder if he was the one for her, yet expects he’ll come back to her anyway, which he does over on ’Betty' (her mind, it amazes me). One of my favorite parts of this song is how the title phrase “and when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone’s bed, you put me on and said you were my favorite,” changes in meaning throughout the song. First, it refers to how he made her feel a beautiful love, just like a comforting cardigan. Then, it shows that she realized she was just a 2nd choice, having the lie of “you’re my favorite” said in her face while being tossed aside. Finally, on the last part of the song, she's feeling depressed after the breakup, but he shows up on her porch asking to be taken back. Also, I think this is one of the bottom 3 songs on this album, MOVING ON!
Favorite Lyrics: You drew stars around my scars/But now I'm bleedin'

the last great american dynasty

*plops history book on desk* Rebekah Harkness is not one of the first names to come to mind when you think of Taylor Swift. Rebekah was a woman who died in 1982, Taylor wasn’t even born then! How is she an analogy for Taylor in this song? Well, Taylor purchased her Holiday Home in 2013 and eventually started learning the history about her. Rebekah married the son of an oil tycoon who, upon the death of his father, owned a large share of the oil and lots of money. Seven years later, he died of a heart attack, leaving Rebekah with all the money, but also a lot of the press at the time put an unfair amount of the blame on Rebekah, saying she destroyed the “last great American dynasty.” After being bored in her new 13 million dollar holiday home, Taylor noticed the parallels between Rebekah’s sexist narrative of being the cause of the death of a dynasty, and her own narrative of sexist tabloids and the internet, known breeding ground of misogyny. Rebekah was having a wonderful time herself, living her life and “ruining everything,” Taylor was doing the same and being unbothered by the narrative surrounding her (mostly). This is one of my favorite songs on the album, and the catchiest song on the project, there is so much to love about this. HOWEVER, apparently Rebekah actually stole her neighbor’s CAT and dyed it key lime green, so this is literally unplayable.
Favorite Lyrics: There goes the loudest woman this town has ever seen/I had a marvelous time ruining everything

exile ft. Bon Iver

Have you ever wanted Somebody That I Used to Know but Justin Vernon is Gotye and Taylor Swift is Kimbra? Well, what the fuck, are you psychic or something? Anyway, 'Exile' delivers on your specific demand and gives the picture of two sides of a shattered relationship from an unexpected meeting after the breakup. Through one set of eyes, it was a surprising end to what seemed to be going well, and seeing her move on from them so fast is a cruel gut punch. Through another, it was a flawed relationship that was doomed early on and he still can’t understand what they had was not true love. After they each get a verse and chorus to themselves to make their case, we get the bridge. The bridge is the climax of this breakup as well as the song itself. After a final cry of ”So I’m leaving out the side door”, he just tells her to get the fuck OUT. He’s done crying over her and he totally knew they were an unstable couple too. He talks about how she never tried to communicate, all while she tells him that he did bother trying to listen to her communications. There was so many signs given out, but the lack of communication doomed everything and left what once was a budding romance into two people stewing in their anger and assertion that they are not the villain in this situation. It’s a heartbreaking song, and honestly should’ve gotten a fucking music video and proper promotion omg, I know its a cliche at this point, but Taylor please hire me to pick out your singles for your secret 3rd album that probably isn’t even called Woodvale.
Favorite Lyrics: You didn't even hear me out (You didn't even hear me out)/You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

my tears ricochet

If I ever see Scooter Braun or Scott Borchetta, its on sight. ‘My Tears Ricochet’ is one of the reasons I needed to explain the exposition on why her move from Big Machine would come back to haunt her. This was the first song she wrote for Folklore, and the only one she wrote completely solo. It describes, “an embittered tormentor showing up at the funeral of his fallen object of obsession.” She sings from the point of view of a ghost looking over her own funeral and seeing her abuser (and possible killer?) at the wake as well. She then talks about how fake he’s acting to get everyone to think he’s a victim in this whole ordeal as well, now that his beloved is gone. While there are plenty of descriptions that fit this character, there are plenty of obvious real life allusions to Scott Borchetta. Referencing how he would comfort her after she was in public feuds, how all their good years together are forever marred by the betrayal, and how he still gets to own her “stolen lullabies” that she created herself. All this while he tries to blame her for this whole drama. Anything to save face at the wake, while he owns all her stolen lullabies. It’s one of the most beautiful songs sonically, but also one of the most furious, and that fury is deserved.
Favorite lyrics: Cursing my name, wishing I stayed/You turned into your worst fears

mirrorball

We all have songs that, when we hear them, they get insanely personal immediately and you get attached in ways most people don’t. For me, the song on Folklore that I relate too much to is 'Mirrorball'. Without delving too deep into my own problems, I’ve always felt like I don’t know what my actual personality is. I’ve had several friend groups throughout the years and each one I played up a different side of myself, technically, I still do to my family with me still being in the closet. This is why I relate to this song the most of all the songs on this album. Taylor is a mirrorball. What does that mean? It's got multiple different meanings for this song. It means she reflects people’s wishes onto them, that she tries to be the brightest thing in the room, she has a lot of visible cracks and when she’s shattered, she’s broken into a million of unrecognizable pieces. She’s entertaining to everyone, but she specifically loves entertaining boyfriend, knowing that he’s the one person who loves her for herself. Even on the bridge, where she references COVID-19 shutting down all her planned performances, she recognizes that now only performing for an audience of one, but she's still happy performing for him. Mirrorball is full of so much heart that it really does shine on this album.
Favorite Lyrics: I want you to know/I'm a mirrorball/I can change everything about me to fit in

seven

'Seven' reveals that the real folklore was friendship all along. It’s a fictional song about a childhood friendship that’s now only vague memories of the time spent together as one of them moves on with their life, thinking about childhood innocence and how great their friendship was as well, despite not even able to recall what they looked like. One of the things I love about this song is that while it does show a beautiful image of childhood, it still alludes to darker themes than just normal childhood memories, such as abusive parents and how innocence will always leave a child at some point. Now, there is some debate over whether the “hide in the closet” line does refer to a queer relationship, but my answer is most likely no, as it’s the only mention of anything like this in the song. Of course, I might just be “gal pals”-ing this song, but it’s open to interpretation. One of my favorite lyrics on this song is “And just like a folk song/Our love will be passed on,” tying it in to the album’s theme. The love will be told through memories down to her kids and grandkids, maybe one day mentioning this love to their kids, even offhandedly. I love the piano line of this song and the lyrics really bring up an image of childhoods past, from playing pirates, throwing tantrums, and rope swings over a creek, which uhh…. be careful around them, kids.
Favorite Lyrics: And though I can't recall your face/I still got love for you

august

Now we have the second song in the “cheating high schooler love triangle story three parter” after ’Cardigan’. ’August’ is from the point-of-view of the unnamed girl that James cheated on Betty with. She recalls her lovely summer fling with James, full of nervousness, beautiful beaches, and teenage love. The production on this song is some of the best on the album, giving a perfect feel of a lovely August day relaxing on the beach with someone’s man. Unnamed Girl knew that this love was fated to only last the summer, if that, but she still held up the hope that James would just be hers. She was ready to just drop everything and become his, and even drove to him to try and convince him, all this backed by an explosive bridge and outro. UG does come back to her senses on the final line of the bridge, knowing that she wasn’t losing James, he was going back to who he shouldn’t have left to begin with. It’s a very bittersweet song, but a shining light on the album.
Favorite Lyrics: August slipped away into a moment in time/'Cause it was never mine

this is me trying

'This Is Me Trying' is an overthinker’s worse nightmare. Sometimes, you realize that you made a big mistake in a relationship and you want to see if there’s any chance of repairing it. This song is her trying (duh) to come back and accept all her mistakes to be taken back by her ex. While there at his doorway though, she starts worrying about how her words might not come out like she wants right now, unlike how sharp they were when she was angry. So what does she do? She just lets them know the simplest way possible, this is me trying my hardest to apologize and repair any possible relationship we could have. This alone would hit real hard as a song, however, this song also has more explicit references to Taylor herself than most of her “character songs” on Folklore, especially on the second verse. She delivers some of the most painful lyrics on the whole album in these verses. Verse two alone talks about being told her problems are all in her head, alcoholism, trying to get ahead so much that you fall behind, even in class, and oversharing with random people on accident. It paints a scary picture of Taylor’s own mental state at the moment and in her past. While I do think that some of these are just part of the “character,” its hard not to think that Taylor put a little more of herself than normal into the lyrics of this song.
Favorite Lyric: I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere

illicit affairs

Taylor says “FUCK the 6th/7th commandment (depending on what holy book you’re reading) on ‘Illicit Affairs.’ She writes a story about being involved in an affair with a married man. What started out with stares at a party, now leads to hot, regrettable sex in parking lots. She gives out some advic- I mean, details about how he hides his true intentions when heading out for another secret rendezvous. While most of the verses are just the normal details of how they’re hiding their meetings, by the bridge she confesses that she knows how conflicted he’s actually feeling. Calling himself a fool, and acknowledging that despite how strongly he feels for her, he can’t tell anyone else in his life these feelings, lest he ruin his reputation. Tbh, I still am conflicted on whether or not this song is against cheating or if its still reveling in the thought of it, but I'm not conflicted on whether or not this song is great.
Favorite Lyrics: They show their truth one single time/But they lie and they lie and they lie/A million little times

invisible string

From a song about Taylor destroying a marriage in secret, the natural path is to go right into a cheery love song about her and Joe. ‘Invisible String’ is probably the most Evermore sounding song on Folklore ~~which is not a good thing~~. But this song is good! It’s an adorable little guitar pluckin’ song about fate bringing Taylor and Joe together. It’s based off of an Asian folk myth and maybe the adorable 2015 game Unravel of how a red string connects two soulmates together through their pinkies and into their hearts, guiding them to right places and times until their meeting. In this song, she mentions some of the minute details of their relationship that she randomly made note of as they realized they were connected together by fate. She even manages to make sitting in a taxi cab listening to Bad Blood sound somewhat tolerable. Listing off his shirt working at fro-yo shops, the autumn leaves in a park they walked around in, and waitresses that know who she is, she leaves a cute idea of how their relationship grew. She also briefly mentions how she used to be hateful to her old exes, but over time realized that she’s recovered enough to listen to The Jonas Brothers again. ‘Invisible String’ is very comfy, and I think this was put before the next song to show the listener that “Hello! I am happy and in love! No need to worry too much about me!”
Favorite Lyrics: Green was the color of the grass

mad woman

’Mad Woman’ is a lesson of composed rage. Taylor explains what most people already know: society will paint a mad woman as crazy, delusional, etc, and try to shame her for being angry. However, Taylor has embraced her anger and will get as angry as she pleases because she’s tired of holding back. And of course, who else does she point that fury towards but Scooter and Scott. She knows that she’s living rent free in their heads, and lawns apparently and revels in that fact. Taylor even mentions how they used some women in their life (mainly Scooter’s wife) to leave the most offensive posts about her, while the two men were in defensive mode when the feud first went up. Taylor calls out Yael specifically mentioning that she knows that Taylor is in the right here, but “goodwives” always have to agree with their husbands. Which lowkey feels misogynistic but you know what they say, no one likes a non-misogynistic woman, what a shame she went non-misogynistic.
Favorite Lyrics: They say "move on," but you know I won't

epiphany

You know what, I’m gonna say it. ’Epiphany’ is a good song. Sure, it’s not the best on the album, or top three, or top five, maybe not even top ten, BUT it is definitely not the worst as so many people claim. It’s two different moving stories through the eyes of a WWI soldier, specifically Taylor’s grandfather, and a nurse during the time of the COVID-19 pandemic. Why did she decide to connect these two? Obviously it’s because [Note to self: write something smart here so people can get on your side about Epiphany being better than Peace, Hoax, and Cardigan]. Both paint equally grim pictures of being surrounded by loss, whether it be men on the battlefield of a war or ordinary people needing to be put on ventilators to breathe. Verse one and two both end with the depressing line 'some things you just can’t speak about,' which I interpret as both of these events are clearly traumatic yet most people wouldn’t want to hear about such depressing topics, so people have to repress them. The harshest part of the song comes at the bridge and outro where the only hope they have has to come to them in one of the few times they’re able to sleep, with that hope being very unrealistic in many cases as more bodies pile up on the battlefield and in hospital beds. It’s a real depressing and all too real song that deserves way more praise.
Favorite Lyrics: Just one single glimpse of relief/To make some sense of what you've seen

betty

The conclusion of the “TLTCU” (Teenage Love Triangle Cinematic Universe), ’Betty’ is confusingly a song through the perspective of James trying to make things right with him and Betty. Again, she’s singing from a perspective of James. Taylor is not being a lesbian on this song, anymore than ’Epiphany’ was Taylor’s coming out as a World War One veteran. James explains how he knows his introversion at the school dance made Betty have to enjoy herself with other people at the dance, which sparked jealousy in James. He was walking home dejected one night when Unnamed Girl ^{^TM} pulls up to him and says “Wanna go to my cool beach house and possibly fuck?” and James couldn’t resist, I guess. Little did James know, Inez was watching them from the corner, and she was definitely not keeping that to herself. Eventually, Betty was doing her best to avoid James, like you typically do to cheating exes you’re still forced to see at school or work. James was always curious of just crashing a party with her and just spilling his guts to her and asking her back, wondering if it will work or she’ll just beat the shit out of him. Either way, he finally gets the right mix of courage and desperation to go to her party. The song ends on a big question mark before we could get Betty’s answer, leaving the audience to guess what Betty says. But let’s be real, if your cheating ex showed up at your party uninvited and asked you to take them back, would you actually say yes in any case?
Favorite Lyrics: Would you have me? Would you want me? Would you tell me to go fuck myself?

peace

https://i.imgur.com/aw8hgR0.png. Yeah, I am not a fan of this one, folks. It’s a cute song about how Taylor knows her life is crazy and she might not ever be able to give Joe a normal romance, but she still loves him the same. But, is it just me or is the instrumentation and the vocals/lyrics go against each other at several points on this song? It’s like someone tried to make a poor mashup of two different tracks, and believe me, I know a thing or two about shitty mashups. The song also once again throws some shade at Scooter, Scott, and Kanye, but it feels real out of place for a love song, even if it’s about her crazy life. Really, I just feel like anything 'Peace' tries to do, some other track does it better.
Favorite Lyrics: All these people think love's for show/But I would die for you in secret

hoax

Wait, there’s a song called Hoax on this album?

the lakes

‘The Lakes,’ aka that song that made everyone realize swifties have lower reading comprehension than we thought, is the bonus track on the deluxe version of the album. I’ll be honest, I was originally not a fan of this song until about 4 days ago, listening to it again for this writeup. There’s something beautiful with these strings and the plan of just packing up all your stuff and your beloved and just living near beautiful lakes forever. Just ignoring all the bullshit from everyday life and “being superstar Taylor Swift” life, and living with your BF while nature moves around you two. I adore the bridge on this song and how it makes living at the lakes seem as gorgeous as a Monet painting. Who knew putting a good song on the physical copy would actually work to drive up album sales?
Favorite Lyrics: I want to watch wisteria grow right over my bare feet/'Cause I haven't moved in years

What happened after it’s release?

When folklore was released, you had a choice: do I listen on streaming or do I get a physical copy, or do I get the other physical version, or the other physical version, or the different physical version, or maybe another physical version, or the other CD/Vinyl option, or the “Meet Me Behind The Mall” version, or the last version I could own physically? And then after a few weeks you had choices on streaming: do I listen to the album, or do I listen to “folklore: the escapism chapter,” or do I listen to “folklore: the sleepless nights chapter,” or do I listen to “folklore: the saltbox house chapter,” or do I listen to “folklore: the yeah I showed up at your party chapter?” And then you had the choice of listening to Cardigan (Cabin in Candlelight), Betty (Live from the 2020 CMAs), or Folklore: the long pond studio sessions (From the Disney+ Special) [Deluxe Version.] We love Taylor for giving her fans so many ways to listen! Oh, she also dropped another album called Woodvale or something.

Discussion Questions:

#1. How do you like folklore compared to her other albums?
#2. What’s your favorite song from the album? And because we need some drama, least favorite?
#3. Folklore deals with many different themes of stress, anger, love, feminism, cheating, and more. Which themes were handled the best and/or the worst?
#4. Many people criticized Taylor for “using an indie aesthetic” at a time when many actual indie artists were struggling due to the pandemic. Do you think these criticisms have merit, yes or no? Why? And will you make me regret asking this on popheads?
#5. Did you watch “Folklore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions?” Did it have an affect on your enjoyment of the album or certain songs?
#6. You can’t prove that the ghost of Rebekah Harkness *didn’t* possess Taylor Swift and force her to write a song about Rebekah’s narrative to lay her soul to rest and let her pass into the afterlife, like an episode of the mid to late 2000s tv show Ghost Whisperer starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. Therefore, I will believe this is exactly what happened. What are some of your strange interpretations/headcanons on this album? (Bonus points if you don’t mention Karlie Kloss)

Meet The Freak 39

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Valentine
We found Aldith waiting for us by the truck, holding a small cloth sack that contained what little she owned.
I wasn't sure if I was glad to see her. I didn't fancy the idea of her staying at the hotel, but neither did I look forward to spending several hours with her in the truck.
With a clear sky and pleasant weather, I rolled down my window and slid the one at the rear open. It was a bit of a bother, and I several times I found myself tucking away strands of hair that had been pulled free by the wind, but at the very least it dissuaded Aldith from striking up a conversation.
I didn't care to suffer through her awkward apology. She was here, that was enough. I'd hand her over to one of the girls at The Blushing Maiden, and they'd find something useful for her to do. Either she'd get a little perspective, or she wouldn't. At least she'd be someone else's problem.
I heard Wally tap on the roof of the truck, and I slowed our pace to better hear him over the wind.
"Val," he called, still raising his voice a little over the noise, "I can't help but notice we haven't noticed a big gap in the mountains."
Wally had a much better view of things from the back of the truck, but it was something I'd begun to notice as well. His seat might not be the most comfortable, cold corrugated sheet metal, but I was jealous of his view. With the mountains looming above us to the right, the roof blocked much of my view. I regretted not bringing along one of the others to drive. Wally had to endure the cold metal, but I'd yet to find a more comfortable seat than Wally's lap.
"I know there's a pass further to the north, but I know we didn't imagine those lights," I insisted.
"I know," he agreed, "But we need to be ready for some surprises. If there's no way through the mountains, then we're about to surprise someone else entirely, and they might not take to sudden visitors."
I brought a hand to my chest, not clutching at imagined pearls, but checking my pistols. They'd not gone anywhere, and neither had the small human pocket-pistol that waited concealed within a pocket on my thigh.
Wally had his axe, as always, though he had left both rifles at the hotel. Not that I was worried. Wally was getting better at projectile magic, and I had some tricks of my own. Not to mention, I could imagine few problems that only the rifles could solve. Better in that case to run, and for that, we had the truck.
I maintained the slow pace and gave Wally the time he'd need to take stock of the mountainside.
I worried that all there'd be to find was a week's old campsite, likely to go unnoticed unless we mounted a proper search, and I didn't have any particular desire to go mountain climbing at the moment.
"We could go back, perhaps wait till tonight," I suggested, "I don't recall spending much time up on the roof at night since those first few days after our arrival."
I hear some rustling as Wally dug around in the pack, and then a thump as he set something on the roof.
"Regina mentioned she'd been keeping watch. I'll ask her," Wally explained.
"Ah, Wallace. How do you expect her to reply?"
Wallace's voice sounded distant as he leaned over the top of the cab to write, "She's good enough now with magic to hold a pen," he assured me, "I'm more worried she won't notice the message. I'll need to add magic push notifications or something. If this doesn't pan out, we can just carry on north, or head back and take a look from the roof tonight, oh-" Wallace knocked on the roof, "Hey, stop the truck."
I pressed down on the brake pedal, and the truck creaked to a stop. I still couldn't see whatever it was Wally had spotted, so I grabbed the handle and pushed open my door. I stood on the truck's running board, and put a hand on the roof to steady myself while I shaded my eyes with the other hand.
"You see the tall evergreen to the left of the old birch?" Wally described, "Twenty degrees up from the tip of the tree, and about five degrees left of that."
There were no lights, but against the craggy and irregular surface of the mountain, below the tree line, I saw it. There was a hole in the blanket of trees, and where there should still have been dirt clinging to the mountainside, there was instead broken stone and piles of rubble. There could be seen a tunnel leading deeper into the mountain. Its square angles and sharply defined sides left no doubt as to the origin. I continued to scan the mountainside, and as I did, I realized rubble covered the whole patch of forest floor. The trees camouflaged the mess, and in passing it might go unnoticed, but now that I knew where to look, I could see where the colour changed. Looking closely, one could make out the reddish-brown of dried pine needles that carpeted the ground below the pine boughs. Nearer the excavation, the ruddy-brown faded to light grey, the splotch of colour spreading out as you went down the mountainside.
"Bugger me," I breathed.
"Again?" Wally sighed.
I rolled my eyes and slapped his arm, "They dug through a mountain, do you have any idea what that must have taken them?"
Wally nodded appreciatively, "Yeah, yeah, I do. Even on Earth with all the tech we've got, tunnelling takes years."
"The gnomes have been here as long as my people," I mused, "A decade of tunnelling, it doesn't seem too unreasonable that they could cover such a distance."
"Either that or it's a completely different group of people who live underground and have a history of mining expertise," Wally suggested, "Okay fine," he said in reply to my exasperated look, "Probably gnomes."
"Um," Aldith asked, "So are we turning around? What are we doing? Where are we going?"
I brought a hand to my forehead and sighed.
Wally mouthed, "Patience," and I shrugged.
"Let's drive up and say hello," Wally suggested, "I don't imagine they'll be happy to see we know about their secret project, but they must have spotted the lights from the hotel by now so it's not like they didn't know we were out here."
I frowned, "Will the truck make that climb?"
"Maybe if we had a winch. Just get us close."
The truck made it up and over the next rise, and as the hill fell away before us, a squad of gnomish miners came into view. They were waiting for us near the entrance to another tunnel, this one flanked by a pair of steel doors. The group was waist-deep in rubble, and while each man held a pick, I wouldn't say that they were brandishing them.
I stopped the truck, pulled the lever for the parking brake, and pulled apart the wires that kept the engine running. The engine died, and there was silence in the cab.
Wallace ducked to speak through the truck's rear window, "Aldith, stay here," he instructed, "Val and I are going to say hi."
The truck rocked to the side and suspension creaked as he hauled himself out of the bed, and I hopped down from the cab to join him.
Wallace spoke quietly as we crossed the distance to the group of miners, "Gnomes are really into body art?"
"Their skin doesn't react well to sunlight," I explained, speaking softly so my voice didn't carry.
The typical tunnel dwelling gnome looked like a stocky shrunken goblin. But even without the tattoos, it was plain that these were not ordinary gnomes. Rather than the yellow skin that was typical of the species native to Caniforma, what little hadn't been tattooed was green, or in the case of one gnome, dark blue.
"They'll tan with gradual exposure," I continued, "Yellow turns to orange, turns to green, turns to blue. The tattoos help with the sunlight when they're still getting adapted to the surface. These are gnomish rangers. The blue one will be the most experienced."
"Well met, traveller," the elder gnome called, once we were a dozen or so paces away. We stopped there, and he continued, "Am I to understand that you're Lord Wallace?"
Wallace quirked an eyebrow, "I guess word's gotten around."
"Aye, it has."
Wallace nudged a piece of rubble the size of my torso, pushing it aside easily with the toe of his shoe, "You guys still working? Is it clear through to the other side?"
The gnome shrugged, "Mayhap."
"Well you guys are here," Wally observed, "And the entrance certainly looks large enough," he continued, nodding at the mouth of the darkened tunnel, "If you really want us to take the long way around, we can. But it's not like we're going to forget it exists, and I was really hoping to be in the city for dinner."
The gnome rubbed the back of his neck and stared down the tunnel, "We're not just supposed to let any old fool use it," he grumbled.
"Are you planning to kill us all?" Wally asked openly.
"What? By the stones, no," he replied, "Why would we do such a thing?"
Wally threw up his arms, "Then I guess there's not a ton you can do. Besides, I'm not any old fool. You said it yourself, I'm Lord Wallace, that makes me an important fool," Wally jerked his chin at the mountain, "I'm sure you've seen the hotel from your little overlook. Tell you what, you let me through and tell me who to see and maybe we can work something out. Caniforma could do with a rest stop on this side of the mountains, and I'm in a hurry to get dinner."
"Alright," the gnome relented, "I suppose I could see my way to letting you through this once. If you want to work out a deal, speak with Foreman Sanders. He's the man who makes the call on which sorta fools can and can't use the tunnel."
Wally tilted his head at the tunnel, "Do you have any of your people in there? The vehicle's exhaust is not the best to breathe."
The stout little creature shook its head, "Last of the rubble got cleared out hours ago, workers went home. We're just here to keep an eye on things."
We took our leave, and I followed Wally back up the hill.
Caniforma was not like any other city I'd seen, let alone heard of.
Built atop a mesa, so large that the far side was hidden behind the horizon, newcomers might be forgiven for thinking they'd arrived in the wrong place.
The tallest building, used by goblin and gnomish surveyors, was a simple spire. The stairs were just wide enough for two people to pass if they turned their shoulders, and continued in a spiral up to the observation deck. I'd been up it before, including when I'd first discovered the hotel, but it was not a climb I had any intention of making again.
Surrounding the mesa were the estates of the goblin families that lived atop Caniforma, with perhaps a mile between any two of the compounds.
Hard-packed dirt covered the mesa, with scrubby grass and short twisted trees eeking out a living here and there. It was poor land to farm, but neither goblins nor gnomes were bothered. The gnomish farms were far below the surface, kept lush and bountiful with water drawn from subterranean oceans. The goblins, by comparison, simply did not bother with agriculture.
While the cataclysm had brought Parabuteo and Pelignos to their knees, the goblins had flourished. No longer were a few dozen families in constant friction over exactly where one territory ended and the other began. The cataclysm had done away with territory altogether. While the tides wiped the slate clean every morning, making farming impossible, it also brought with it fresh prey on a near-daily basis. A whole generation of young goblins who'd previously been relegated to subordinate positions under their parents suddenly found they could strike out on their own. There were now over a hundred families with compounds atop the mesa, most of them young offshoots from the more mature families.
The family compounds would be closed to us, but the gnomes kept a small trading outpost at the base of the spire, and that's where we headed.
It consisted of two short streets, one like a road cut right from Parabuteo, and the other from Pelignos.
There was a slight bump as the truck moved from the packed dirt to the close-fit cobbles typical of the elven city, and I brought the truck along the road to The Blushing Maiden. Only the decorative ironwork and detailed engraving allowed one to refer to the six feet of stone surrounding the Maiden as a 'fence'.
The guards at the gate recognized me as I approached, and they stood aside, one of them giving me a wave and a friendly smile.
I parked the truck next to the stables, and Aldith caught my eye. She looked pitiful, sitting there with everything she owned in the world clutched in her lap, head slightly bowed, her nervous gaze fixed on me.
She made as if to say something, but Wallace was already at the door. She startled slightly as he pulled it open, but calmed when she realized who it was. He peered down at her, leaning against the cab with one arm on the roof.
"Aldith," Wally sighed, "I know this is a lot to handle. You're skipping about ten millenniums of cultural development-"
"Is that a type of flower?"
Wally chuckled, "A millennium is a long time, a thousand years, and this place is going to take some getting used to. But you'll be safe here, you'll be able to build a life for yourself, and no one's gonna touch you unless you want them to. All that said, if you decide this isn't for you, you just let me know. We'll be staying in the city a day or two, and we'll be coming back through here again once we finish in Pelignos. Say the word, and we'll take you home, okay?"
Aldith swallowed and nodded, "Okay."
"Come on, let's go meet Val's friends."
I'd hardly stepped through the door before Purity had me wrapped up in her arms, "Val, it's so good to see you," she cooed.
I hugged the fey girl back, and she kissed me on the cheek.
"How long are you staying- oh, oh my. Who is this?"
"This," I giggled, slapping the giant on the chest, "Is Wallace."
"Oh my, there sure is a lot of him."
"Wally, this is Purity."
The young fey was a tad shorter than myself, but blessed in areas that I was not. Purity was well into womanhood but had maintained a slim, girlish figure. Though fey, her beauty had a certain down-to-earth appeal. More akin to a pretty peasant girl than a beautiful noblewoman. People let their guard down around Purity when they might not with someone else.
"Hi," Wally replied.
"And this," I continued, gesturing to Aldith, who wasn't quite hiding behind the big man, "Is Aldith. I was hoping she could help out around here."
"A human? Boy, she'd be awfully popu-"
"Help out," I repeated carefully, "I don't know, maybe tending the horses."
"Ah, I see. I'm sorry," Purity apologized, "I just got a little ahead of myself," she held out a hand to the girl, "Here, why don't I get you settled? Val, I think you know the way?"
Aldith didn't move, and Wally spoke to her quietly. "It's alright," he promised, "Just remember what I said."
Aldith straightened her back and nodded. Though she didn't take Purity's hand, she let the fey lead her down the hall.
Thick walls and a plush carpet meant The Maiden was quiet as I led Wally by the hand, up to where my friends were staying.
I tapped lightly on the door, paused, and then knocked harder to make sure they heard me.
The door swung open and-
"Val! I didn't know you were coming, come in, come in- Oh. Now who is this?"
"Wallace, this is Virtue. Virtue, this," I wrapped my arms around Wally's forearm, "Is Wallace."
Virtue was even shorter than Purity. She was an inch under four and a half feet, but as she did me the honour of pretending to believe me when I said I was five feet tall, I pretended to believe she was four foot six. Not that her height was anything special for a gnome. Though not a ranger, she'd indulged in her people's predilection for extensive tattooing. The tattoos of a gnomish ranger told you something about their station. The poorest had to settle for simple solid colours, while those with a little more money would get simple designs and tribal patterns. The well-off would cover themselves in scenes of hunting, warfare, and the like. Often, you'd see all three in combination on a gnomish ranger, marking their ascension through the ranks. Not so with Purity. Her entire body was a canvas, and the art she wore showed conquests of a different sort.
"My my, don't you look like a handful. Good thing Val has so many friends."
"I think I'm fine with just Val," Wallace replied as seriously as he could with his face going all red.
I pulled gently on Wally's arm, and he followed me into the room where the others were reclining on couches. Though not a place for meeting clients, it was still comfortable and well-appointed, serving as a common-room for the private chambers that branched off it.
"Wally, this is Obedience," I explained, still hugging his arm and grinning like an idiot.
Another fey, and a big one at five and a half feet, Obedience typically wore a fey slave master's traditional attire. And though she wasn't working at the moment, she was still attired in men's clothing, with a short tunic and tight trousers. With her strong jaw and a propensity to eschew makeup, she had a generally androgynous look. Reclining on some cushions near the fire, she regarded Wally as if she were considering how best to climb up a cliff.
"And this," I continued, "Is Chastity."
Chastity was bundled up in a thick cotton robe. It was white, as was just about everything else she wore, and covered every inch of her below the neck. Under the robe, I knew she was wearing about half a square foot of fabric. So little that it had to be stuck on, and could only be very generously called clothing. But she had the body for it. Tall, thin, and shaped like an hourglass, the sprite knew how good she looked, and Chastity liked to be appreciated.
Chastity let the robe slip a little, revealing a sliver of mouthwatering curves, and waved hello to Wallace.
"Was Irony already taken?" he quipped.
"Yes."
I turned to look and clung tighter to Wally's arm as Irony came through the door.
She was barefoot except for her black stockings, and her heels dangled negligently from one hand. Black, with a heel like a knife's blade, they looked more like weapons than footwear. Even barefoot, she was well over six feet tall, one of the few elves I'd ever met that had a stature on-par with Temerity. She wore a tight black corset that only just covered her chest, along with elbow-length satin gloves. Though elven, her hair was jet black, and she wore it in a severe bun. Held lightly in her other hand, was a coiled whip.
Irony lifted her chin, though she seemed to find it difficult to look down her nose at Wallace, what with him towering over her, "And you are?"
"Wallace," he supplied.
A small smile had crept onto his face, and the red flush had begun to fade.
Gods, it's the wordplay. You'd think he's a scrawny little thing who spends all day with his nose in a book.
Irony's arm flashed, and the whip seemed to flicker. Wallace got his forearm up before the tip could strike him in the chest, and the braided leather wrapped around it. He twisted his arm and caught the cord in his palm. He clenched his fist and yanked hard on the whip.
It took Irony right off her feet, and she fell to her knees before him.
It was all I could do to keep from squealing in delight.
Wally frowned, "That wasn't very nice."
Irony looked first to Wallace, then to me, confusion evident on her face.
"I'm just here to see you guys," I explained quickly, "Not for anything else. I'll, um, make sure you don't have to work while we're in the city though."
Irony hopped to her feet, and I met her hug, "Gods, sorry girl. I just assumed, you being here, what with your friend and all-"
"Oh, I'm absolutely sleeping with him, don't worry about that."
Wally pinched the bridge of his nose, "I swear to god, Val."
"It's cute, the way he blushes like a little girl," Irony grinned, "I'm going to get changed. I'll be right back."
Purity made it back from helping Aldith just about when Irony finished changing out of her work clothes, and we gathered near the fire. Chastity remained on her piled cushions, joined by Purity. The other girls had taken to the couches, as had Wallace, and I was at my proper place in Wally's lap.
"Of course I'm telling the truth!" I cried, "He reeked of elf noblewoman when he came to meet me, right before we left the city. He fucked Temerity cross-eyed, went for round two in the morning, and then left with me."
"Is he going to pass out?" Obedience asked, "I've not met a human before, but if a fey blushed like that, I'm pretty sure they'd pass out."
"If a fey blushed like Wally does, I'm pretty sure they'd die," I muttered, glancing back at the big man, "He's timid about his conquests. Anyway," I continued, turning back to my friends, "Temerity was real mad about the whole situation, she shaved my head, and sent me back with an offer for Wally here."
"Shaved your head?" Irony asked, "How long ago was this?"
"Just shy of two weeks," I replied excitedly, and reached behind me to begin pulling my hair free of the flight suit, "Wally fixed it!"
The girls watched in amazement as my hair flowed free and began to puddle around my ankles like violet mercury.
"And now you know why we're checking in with Caniforma and Pelignos," I explained, "Temerity's got her hooks into Parabuteo, and we need support from somewhere else."
A sly smile spread across Virtue's face, "Well if you're on the far side of the mountains, one of my clients mentioned a tunnel-"
"We know," I admitted.
"It's how we got here," Wally added, "I've got to track down a Foreman Sanders and work out a deal with him."
Irony wore a shameless smirk, "He talks a big game, but he's a pushover."
"You guys seem a bit too forthcoming with the intel," Wally mused.
Purity shrugged, "She's crazy about you, it's the least we can do to help."
Now it was my turn to flush, "I'm not 'crazy' about anyone. I'm a mature adult, I-"
"You were just telling us all about how he reeked of elf when he was done with Temerity. Well, I can hardly catch a whiff of your scent under his!" Purity laughed.
"It's true," Obedience agreed, "I almost wasn't sure it was you at first, you smell like human. Not that it's a bad thing, Wallace," she added quickly, "I for one understand why little Val here is all over you."
"Jealous," I accused.
That earned me a round of frank nods, and a barely audible grumble from Wallace.
Food arrived just then, saving Wallace from a conversation that was becoming more awkward for him by the minute, and we broke for dinner.
I spent a little time catching up with the others afterwards and got so caught up in the conversation, laughing and drinking with my friends, that I didn't notice Wally had disappeared.
I excused myself hurriedly. Wally might be overcome with embarrassment at his present accommodations, but he was curious to a fault, and I worried he'd gone off and found himself some trouble. I'd taken my plate with me when I left the table and had intended to leave it in the common area's small kitchenette while I went to look for him, but there was Wally.
He and Irony were leaning against the wall, and though Wally was facing away from me, I could see Irony smiling like an excited little girl while she spoke quietly but quickly to him. If Wally was still blushing, it had at least left his neck and ears.
Irony's innocent smile faded to a sly grin as she noticed my arrival, "Ah- There's our little girl."
"I hope you weren't talking about me," I giggled, though it was a little forced.
For a moment, Wally revealed a part of Irony that I'd never before seen. Somehow it seemed more intimate than anything she'd ever done to me in the bedroom, and I felt oddly jealous.
"No, Wally was just telling me about planets," she explained, and for a moment there was that innocent little laugh again, "But what is it, Val? You looked a little worried for a moment there."
I shook my head, "I was worried Wally had wandered off somewhere. But since here's here, I, ah, well I was talking to the others, and we worked something out."
"Val," Wally warned.
"Yes, you were very clear," I agreed quickly, "But I know how sore you get sometimes."
Irony perked up at that and seemed to consider Wally in a new light. I don't think any of her clients had ever seen that sympathy in their eyes. I certainly hadn't, though I do recall being blindfolded most of the time.
Wally arched an eyebrow, and I pressed on, "Not everything here involves people taking their clothes off-"
"Well," Irony hedged.
"Okay yes, but it's just a massage, with no funny business!" I added quickly, "You're too stubborn to say anything, but I know carrying around all this weight can't be easy on your joints. Come on. It'll be good for you, and my friends get to feel you up, I get to show you off, everyone wins."
"Alright," Wally relented, "Sitting in the truck wasn't great for my spine in any case."
Irony and I each took an arm, and Wally let us lead him into one of the other rooms.
"Take everything off, and put on the towel," Irony instructed.
"We've got an extra-big one, just for you," I giggled, and held it out to him.
He grinned despite himself, sighed, and shooed us out of the room.
He allowed us back in a little later, and I entered with the others, though I was the only one with a bottle of wine and an empty glass.
I took a seat in the corner and poured myself a glass while my friends attacked Wally's chiselled form with massage oil and their dextrous fingers.

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A lengthy Review & Discussion of Rhythm of War, or why my relationship status with the Stormlight Archive is "it's complicated".